Balance & Beyond Podcast

Ever found yourself driven by anxiety, striving for perfection, or constantly seeking validation from others?

Jo used to be in that exact spot, and it left her utterly exhausted. Today, she’s uncovering a different path—one that moves beyond the temporary rush of "F-U energy" and towards motivations that truly nourish and sustain us. 

She’ll explore the common trap of chasing accomplishments to prove others wrong, and how this often leads to nothing more than hollow victories. It’s time to break free from these confines and embrace a motivation rooted in love and intrinsic satisfaction.

Join Jo as she navigates the challenging yet rewarding journey of shedding fear-based drivers like self-sabotage and perfectionism. This conversation delves into the power of identifying core personal drivers such as purpose, contribution, and self-love. This isn’t just about making changes; it’s about redefining how we perceive and pursue success, leading to a healthier, more balanced life.

Episode Transcript

INTRO: Welcome to Balance and Beyond, the podcast for ambitious women who refuse to accept burnout as the price of success. Here, we’re committed to empowering you with the tools and strategies you need to achieve true balance, where your career, relationships and health all thrive, and where you have the power to define success on your own terms. I honour the space you’ve created for yourself today, so take a breath, and let's dive right in…

Today, we are talking about F-U energy and how you can actually find motivation that works. So if you haven't guessed from the title, if you have little people around, this is probably not an episode to have on speaker because there's a chance I'm going to be dropping an F-bomb or two, because it fits with what we're talking about. So if you're still here, let's go.

I have seen an ongoing trend with my clients, and this trend has appeared because it's something I identified in myself. As you all know, I have to continue to do the work on myself, and this transition has emerged when I'm no longer driven by some of my old patterns of, say, anxiety or perfectionism, trying to prove myself, trying to feel like I'm good enough. What do I replace that with? 

And so today, I want to share with you more about what your old drivers are, what has motivated you in the past, a sneaky thing that is likely to emerge as you first let go of those old patterns (that sounds really positive and really like yay), but actually the dark side that it has and what you need to replace it with instead.

So most women, when they first come into our world, and this sounds very—I don't want to use the word judgmental, but it's very, very common—is that the primary motivators for their ambition, for their success, for their striving is trying to be perfect, trying to please other people, trying to keep them happy, proving that they're a good enough daughter or that they're smart enough, meeting unrealistic high standards. 

So there's a whole stack of proving, and we find ourselves in this position where we believe that these are what motivate us. And in some ways, that can work for a time. The common thread between all these motivators is that these are all what keep us safe. So all these drivers are about proving to them that you're not an imposter and then you won't lose your job. It's about proving to them that you're perfect so that you don't get hurt. It's about making sure that you stay hypervigilant so that nobody can catch you out.

These are all fear-based drivers, and as you can imagine, fear can only drive us for so long before it becomes dangerous, before it becomes toxic, and before it actually drives us to burnout. These fears are things like fear of making a mistake, fear of getting it wrong. They fry our nervous system, and interestingly, that fear says to us, "Yeah, but you know what? If you are driven by being perfect, if you are driven by proving yourself, are you going to settle? Are you going to lose your edge? Are you going to become mediocre?" Because this is the only way that you have ever known to drive yourself.

It's about external validation. It's constantly looking outside yourself for where you should be, how you should be performing. This is why we see huge amounts of comparison in women. Whether it's comparing our bodies, our bank balance, our titles, how we present in meetings, how we talk, how we dress—you name it. 

There is this huge amount of energy and emotion caught up in this constant looking, this constant fear. "All right, if I do this, if I'm perfect, then I'm going to be safe. If I do this, then—" and we tell ourselves a story that yes, I'm going to be perfect, and it drives us. But at its core, all we are really driving for is trying to feel safe.

If I do this, then, and we tell ourselves a story that, yes, I'm going to be perfect, and it drives us, but, at its core, all we are really driving for is we're trying to feel safe. That's not a bad thing. That's why our brains are wired. It's why we survived as long as we have as a species, because our brain's like, right, what do we need to do to be safe? 

However, that can only fuel us for so long, and it's why so many women are driven to burnout, especially at the moment, because they just keep turning the notch up on those drivers. Well, let me be more perfect. Let me do more of this. Let me hustle more. Let me prove myself more. Let me show you how much I can do.

When you let go of all of these old programs, when you learn how to repair your nervous system, there opens up a completely different form of motivation that most of us have never actually accessed. I know, for me, it was something that was, I guess you'd say, quite foreign, something that I had no idea was even accessible. And, if I'm honest, my fear-based past drivers were very judgmental of this. Like, “What do you mean?” “You can't be motivated. intrinsically!” “You can't be motivated by love because that's not hard enough.” “That's not hardcore enough!” “You're going to end up all waffly, and you are not going to achieve as much as if you're driven by wanting to prove yourself!”

As I began to make this transition of letting go of the perfectionism and letting go of the need to prove myself, like layers of an onion, a new driver, or I guess you'd say a new form, emerged, and I couldn't have seen this before because I wouldn't have had access to it. It's almost like I have, you know, these layers. This is buried five to six layers deep, and I had to shed the first five layers in order to see what was there. This is the joy of doing the work, guys. 

There's always something else to uncover. I found myself really accessing a dark side of something that, it turns out, has really driven me for a large part of my life. The moment I was able to hone in on it and name it, because this is buried a lot further down, I was able to see, oh, this is also operating in so many of my clients.

It's not just me. This is what I call fuck-you energy. You could also call it a chip on your shoulder. If someone ever says to me, since the age of, I don't know, probably four, "You can't do that," I'd be like, you reckon? You reckon? I'll show you. I still remember somebody, who shall remain nameless, who I worked with in corporate. When I said that I was going to start my own business, they were like, "You'll be back in six months." I was like, right, you reckon? I'm gonna show you.

This type of fuck-you energy can actually be really, really powerful. So I want to share with you a little bit about how this energy plays out, how to identify if you're being driven by it, but with some words of caution, because this is not something that can sustain you long term. So this fuck-you energy can really help you push through, break through, escape, make you say the thing. And it was what motivated me, probably for my first few years in business. 

I didn't realize how angry I was. Almost, “How dare you?” “How dare you doubt that I'm going to make this thing work?” “How dare you question my abilities?” And what that did was it really ignited a whole new layer of anger and rage and fire in me that really pushed me to start my business and show them that I could do it. It really helped me reclaim my voice and break out of toxic environments and have the gumption to go and do the hard thing because I was motivated by this. Well, I'm going to show you.

I don't know if you can relate to ever having—whether it was a sibling from childhood who said, "You'll never, you know, you'll never be a blah, blah, blah"—I know so many people who have spent a lot of their lives really being driven by this fuck-you energy. Whether it's a sibling who said, "You're never going to be successful," or somebody in fifth grade who passed a comment like, "You're not pretty enough, you're never going to find a husband," or whatever it may be. 

A lot of people carry huge amounts of fuck-you energy with their parents who say, "You'll never amount to anything," or "You're not smart enough to go and be a doctor." Particularly the parental piece and the sibling piece have fueled so many women. But here's the thing: that energy can be really great in the short term to make you do the thing, to get you out of those toxic environments, to help you say the thing because you've got so much behind you. I'll show them.

However, what happens—and what I identified as part of my journey—is that that "fuck you" energy very quickly morphs. And so the "fuck you," whether it's directed at a particular colleague, a parent, a sibling, a teacher, a random person, society, or "them"—whoever "they" are—can often become, "Oh, I'm going to show them. They said women couldn't do it. They said mums couldn't do it." That energy, very quickly, because it is based on somebody else—whoever it originated from—morphs and becomes something else. You substitute the person—your parents, your sibling, "they," or society—for yourself, and it becomes fuel for you, never being enough.

So, this constant reflection on, "They said I couldn't do it, I'm going to go ahead and do it," like I mentioned, has a limitation. It has an expiry date, and at some point in time, you will realize that that "fuck you" energy has become very, very toxic. You then end up saying, "Well, fuck me." You know, they often say that this "fuck you" energy is like, "Well, fuck you, and fuck me too," at the same time. 

Because in really trying to say, "Screw you," you are actually screwing over yourself. You are now beating yourself up. You are now looking for external validation. And it's only when you're able to peel apart those layers and go, "All right, well, where does this come from? Who am I really trying to prove this to? And have I gone past the point of this already being expired?" that you realize it's time for you to find some intrinsic motivation that is just as powerful—if not more so—than the old drivers you were relying on.

How do you know if you've got "fuck you" energy going on? This is the question that a client recently asked me. The obvious sign is that you want to stick your middle finger up at somebody. You find yourself saying, "See, see! I told you so!" kind of energy. But a lot of it comes down to this: there’s either a name, or when you can get quiet and really dig into, "Why am I doing this?" you’ll find it's the desire to prove them wrong, even if it's dressed up as a desire for success—"I'm going to make it happen."

An indicator that you're being driven by "fuck you" energy is when you achieve something, reach a milestone, or hit a goal, and it feels a little hollow. It doesn’t feel good. You get it, and you're like, "Oh yay," and then, straight away, you move the bar. That’s a symptom that you're living in this "not good enough, fuck you, fuck me at the same time" energy. And it's only when we can have consistent access to our own internal, intrinsic, love-based motivation that we will be able to enjoy our success—whatever that means for you. Whether it’s a fitness target, a work target, or even just getting to Friday night without being completely exhausted, we need to learn to find new fuel.

But if I’m honest, putting down this "fuck you" energy is really vulnerable. Because all you’ve done is replace—or maybe they've been side by side—the "fuck you" energy, which can fuel the perfectionist who says, "Well, you said I couldn't do it? Not only am I going to do it, I'm going to do it perfectly. I'm going to do it better than you ever said I could." So the two tend to fuel each other.

So, yes, of course, you have to deal with your self-sabotage programs. You have to get rid of your perfectionist tendencies—or at least learn to tame them. You need to really understand the core drivers of your limiting beliefs. But as you do more and more work, it's about recognizing, "You know what? I’m willing to put this down."

Scary? Completely. Because you've spent your entire life being motivated in one particular way—driving yourself with all stick. And the thought of finding a carrot? It’s like, "Well, hang on. I've only ever beaten my way to success. I've only ever beaten my way to achievement. I’ve only ever operated in this sort of ‘fuck you’ or ‘prove yourself’ energy." You've only ever known fear.

So, of course, if you've been swimming in fear, fear says, "Nothing’s going to be as good as me. You’re going to lose your edge. You’re not going to be as successful." Who’s going to be motivated by love? Because you will note that you have a whole range of judgments about what that means.

So it’s only when you can start to identify, "What does intrinsic motivation mean to me? How do I put down the expectations of anybody else—whether that’s parents, childhood friends, society, cultures, the neighborhood, whatever it is—and say, “You know what? If I were sitting in a vacuum right now and there was nobody else to see anything that I do, what would motivate me? What would drive me? What would make me get up in the morning and want to do whatever it is—whether that’s work, personal growth, health, or whatever it is, it will require work because these new motivators are not easily accessible. 

Your fear will yell and scream the whole time that these aren’t good enough. But these drivers can be things like purpose. These can be the desire to serve. They can be the need to make a contribution—to give back. Maybe this is about growth. 

Maybe this is around growth, maybe this is around self-love and really feeling worthy and stepping into your fullest self, realizing your potential. These all become more consistently available, and they, interestingly, are far more motivating than the old patterns. But if you don't know what your purpose is—because you don't—you can't find that. 

When you don't know who you are, well, then this feels like a rainbow and a unicorn with that, because you can't find your purpose until you know who you are, because you're not ready for your purpose, because you're not who you're meant to be. So you can see, all of these are tied in knots, and that desire to be of service to make the world a better place.

We're seeing this huge drive towards meaningful work, as opposed to people being a cog in a wheel. They want to do something that they feel matters, and, yes, there's lots of talk about, you know, younger generations being really fueled by purpose and, you know, what they can do in the world. But I'm seeing that filter up as well. One of the most common, I guess you would say, complaints or challenges is women just don’t feel like what they’re doing actually matters, and they want to find something—whether it's moving into the not-for-profit space, or they want to move into a client-facing role, or they want to move industries into something that they feel is doing good things in the world, whatever that means for you. 

So until you are ready to go down that path, these new, consistent, wonderful drivers can remain very, very elusive. So this was a journey that I had to go on to really excavate my fuck you energy—to find out who was it—and it was two specific people. And when I could see how that had morphed into society, into everything else... But it's sneaky. 

This can be something that is really tricky to see by yourself, because it's dressed up really nicely. It's like, yes, I found my voice, and I did the thing, and I got the courage, and that's all great, but it has an expiry date. There is only so long that you will be able to be driven by this energy, and it is most certainly not your forever fuel. 

You will burn out, you will end up running on fumes, and I don't want that for you. And if this sounds all very foreign, well, I guess that's an indication of where you are on your journey. Maybe your fear is just not—there’s no way. There's no way. Or maybe you're going, wow, I'm actually really motivated by fuck me energy—fuck you, fuck me—and I want to do something about this.

So my question for you today is: where in your life are you motivated by this fuck you energy? How can you shift away from this external validation to more consistent, you know, love-based, intrinsic sources of motivation? It's a really, really big question and one that I encourage you to ponder, because this isn't where you begin. This is not the first inquiry you make—just a heads up. This is probably for people who are more advanced or who have already started their self-awareness journey, because this is buried a few layers deep.

If you're still a raging perfectionist, if you're still a raging people-pleaser, if you still have no boundaries, then don't start here. But simply being aware of it, knowing it's there, and perhaps, for you, it's a really, really big thing. And, of course, as always, if you need any help with this—if you're saying, oh my gosh, Jo, I've realized that I'm completely ruled by fuck you energy, and I've been doing this to my parents since I was eight—well then, book in a discovery call with us. 

Because, we can talk to you about what's been going on and share with you some tools that are gonna help you unpack this so that you can much more readily access these consistent, intrinsic motivations that are going to drive more success. They're gonna drive more joy, more abundance, more financial freedom, and less burnout, and, let's face it, who doesn't want that? So, watch out for your "fuck you's" today, and I will see you again soon.

OUTRO: Thank you for joining us today on the Balance and Beyond Podcast. We're so glad you carved out this time for yourself. If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend who might need to hear this today. And if you're feeling extra generous, leaving us a review on your podcast platform of choice would mean the world. If you’re keen to dive deeper into our world, visit us at www.balanceinstitute.com to discover more about the toolkit that has helped thousands of women avoid burnout and create a life of balance, and beyond. Thanks again for tuning in, and we'll see you next time on the Balance & Beyond Podcast.