Balance & Beyond Podcast

Unlock the secrets to recognising and combating high-functioning burnout in our enlightening episode on Balance & Beyond.

Join me and the insightful coach Sabina as we promise to guide you through the often-misunderstood territory of burnout, especially for ambitious women who appear to have it all together. Discover the subtle, creeping signs like increased anxiety and sleep disturbances, which can quietly escalate over time due to ingrained behaviors and relentless demands. We delve into strategies that can help you take proactive steps to prevent this crisis and ensure that burnout is not a predetermined consequence of a demanding lifestyle.

In the second part of our candid conversation, we tackle the intricate concept of hyper-independence. This mindset, often summed up by the thought "if you want something done right, do it yourself," can lead to burnout by pushing individuals to take on too much without acknowledging personal limits. Sabina and I dissect how societal and familial models contribute to this mindset, examining the stigma of asking for help. We emphasize that seeking help and setting boundaries are not signs of weakness but essential acts of self-care. Embrace interdependence and support as we highlight the real costs of ignoring your needs and guide you toward a healthier, more balanced life.

Episode Transcript

INTRO: Welcome to Balance and Beyond, the podcast for ambitious women who refuse to accept burnout as the price of success. Here, we’re committed to empowering you with the tools and strategies you need to achieve true balance, where your career, relationships and health all thrive, and where you have the power to define success on your own terms. I honour the space you’ve created for yourself today, so take a breath, and let's dive right in…

Jo Host

High achiever burnout. It's a thing. Today we are talking about burnout and the lesser known patterns, the sneaky way that burnout is impacting women, and what you can do about it. And today, I'm joined by our wonderful coach, Sabina. Hi Sabina, thanks for joining me today! 

Sabina Guest

Hi Jo, great to be here! 

Jo Host

High functioning burnout. It's something that isn't really discussed a lot. I'm curious, what's your take on, I guess you'd call it the spectrum of burnout, and how do people know if they're stuck in high-functioning, or high-achiever burnout? 

Sabina Guest

Well, burnout has become a bit of a buzzword. Let's face it, people used to talk about … what was it? Nervous breakdowns, back in the day, in the eighties and nineties. Like, “Yeah, she had a nervous breakdown.” And now, the buzzword is burnout. It's a buzzword, but it's also very real. And, yeah, very, very prevalent. And when we talk about burnout, I think there's this kind of connotation of, you're lying starfish on your bed and just, you know, comatose, and can't do anything. 

But actually, you know, a lot of people, a lot of women that we see, and you know, myself included. I have experienced this. I laugh now, because it's so long ago. But, with high-functioning burnout, you can be high functioning, and still be in burnout. We often can't see ourselves, what’s a little bit like a slow moving car crash, frankly. And other people may start to get a sense of it before you do. 

And so, the point where you're actually collapsed, and unable to get up and go to work, or function in your family, that's extreme. There are different stages of burnout actually, so that's really extreme. But burnout doesn't happen overnight. It can happen, you know, six months before, one year before, two years before, and often, the patterns come from, you know, much earlier in life. 

Because certain behaviors, or ways of showing up in life, can contribute to burnout when your plate suddenly becomes really full. So we're really keen today to talk about some signs that can point out to you that it might be time to take some preventative steps, before you hit collapse. 

Jo Host

Yeah, you don't have to wait until you get to the hospital to reach out and ask for help. And I always get, I guess the word is “a little more concerned” when I get people on calls with us, and they say, ”You know what, Jo? I'm kind of looking forward to burnout, because then I can get some time in the hospital to rest.” I'm like, ”Oh my God, have we really got that bad, where you're prepared to just push yourself until your body literally breaks, because that is the only way you will give yourself permission to finally take stock, or to finally give your body what it's craving?” 

And, as you said, we've all been there. I found myself checking into the hospital, because there was something going on. So, we are very, very good at ignoring all the signs, unless it's too late. So, as you said, it's important that we raise awareness of what is high-functioning burnout. So let's talk, Sabina, about some of the, I guess you would say “patterns” that can be early precursors, or early warnings, that something's not quite right. I guess the key message, that you don't have to live this way. Just because you're high-functioning doesn't mean that it's a fact of life. 

So many women think that, “Well, I've got a big job.” ”I'm juggling family exhaustion.” ”It’s just inevitable, and I just suck it up.” “Everyone I know feels the same way.“ “We're all in the same boat.“ No, it does not have to be that way. So, Sabina, talk to us about what are some of those early signs? 

Sabina Guest

Yeah. So look, everybody's different, right? But, there are some things that you can start tuning into. Am I feeling more anxious and stressed than normal? Am I having trouble falling asleep? Am I waking up at 3am in the morning? You know, all of these things. 

Medical disclaimer: I'm not a doctor. You know, you may need to go and get yourself checked out for other things. But, all these little signs can be pointing to you that, ”I need to make some changes, because if I don't, I could be heading towards burnout.” If you’re being extra grumpy, or irritable, or snappy, or barking at people that you really care about, or losing it in a work meeting, that's probably a slightly more advanced form of burnout. 

But, you know, when your tolerance levels or patience, you notice, is wearing thin. Certainly, if you're getting feedback from people, “Mum, you're really grumpy.” “What's wrong with you?” ”No, I'm not.” “I'm just busy.” “Eat your food, hurry up, get out.” That's a really good sign. I'm really passionate about the nervous system. 

So, our nervous system, our bodies, our emotions, are always giving us feedback, so our brains can still be on-form. You're still showing up, you're still, you know, achieving, you're still being productive, but your body's often giving you signs. So you know you could be in a bit more heightened fight response. 

You know, your sympathetic nervous system might be a little bit heightened, and so that's more of that kind of angry, irritable energy. You could be more anxious, you may be going off your food or you may be overeating to combat stress. There’s some interesting ways, aren't there, Jo? That we see people starting to lead up to too much stress. 

Jo Host

Overeating or overindulging in anything, whether that's suddenly you need a glass of wine every night to calm down, and then you need to sit in front of the TV for an hour to try to wind down, or you need to doom scroll. You know, some of these quite destructive patterns are really a way of avoiding the emotions that your body just wants you to feel. 

Sabina Guest

Yeah, and procrastination can sometimes kick in. You can have a huge to-do list that's never ending, and yet you find yourself just slumped on the sofa, you know, inhaling ice cream. 

Jo Host

Apparently. I've never actually done that. It's bad enough to say what flavour's the thing. 

Sabina Guest

But, you know, that's a bit of a slumped nervous system response, where you just can't fire the engine enough. But your brain's probably still going really fast, and you're going through your to-do list, but you're kind of half collapsed, half going really fast and like, the back of your brain is growing, because there's so much in there. But, you're actually procrastinating, and you can't actually get up to go and do something about it. 

So, yeah, you know, other people tend to do more. Bizarrely, you know, stepping up and thinking, ”Oh, I just have to achieve more, to be even more efficient or productive, that'll be the ticket!” No, that's not it. 

Jo Host

A meal plan never solved anything. 

Sabina Guest

You know, “Oh, yes, I just need to be more helpful, and I'm feeling really collapsed, but maybe I just need to be more helpful.” And, “Yes, I'll put my hand up to take someone else's kids home from school.” No. And so what we sometimes see happening is that you do more, but then there's this feeling of “I'm not doing anything properly.” “I'm failing at home, I'm failing at work, I'm failing as a daughter, I'm failing as a wife.” “Haven't had sex in six months, oh God, you know, all the things get off me.” And so there can be this feeling of “I'm just I'm just not hitting the mark with anything.” 

So, there's a mindset piece there. I'm not doing good enough, even though your outward activity is, you know, on steroids, you're doing too much! But, there's a disconnect. And so that thought pattern can sometimes go “I'm not doing well enough.” You know, “I'm kind of failing” and “Gosh, you know, I really need, I really need to do something for myself, but I don't deserve it because I'm not, I'm not hitting the mark.” And that's often a clue. Yes, you do, you need to step up the self care, because you are going to head into deep stage burnout, if you don't. 

But then, the mindset, the mind gremlins and the inner critic, tells you that you don't deserve it. Right, and so you can then go past that. You know, alarm-sign. Imagine! I'm just saying, that you know the engine oil sign flashing, or the petrol sign flashing. You see it flashing and you go, “I'll be fine, I'll just take on something else, and I'll do it really well, and then I'll feel confident, and then I'll feel deserving to go, and you know, have a break, or find a coach, or have a massage.” That's a sneaky way in which burnout plays out, right? 

Jo Host

And what can happen if you haven't got that mindset shift is we find women go and have the massage, or go and have the girls night or, you know, like you said, invest in a coach or do whatever it is that they need. And yet if they haven't done the mindset shift, they will feel guilty while they're on the massage table and they can't actually relax because their mind's like I shouldn't be here. I've got so much to do, right, when I get back, I've got to buy some bananas, and then we've got to paint the room and then I've got to no, no, no, and so they come back and go. Well, I've just spent money. I've not been as efficient as I could be. That wasn't even worth it, because they can't disconnect for a minute. 

Sabina Guest

So, this is why all the usual efforts of self-care aren't even effective—because you guilt yourself the whole time you're doing them. Yeah, that's right, it's a mindset of I'm not deserving. And if you notice that soundtrack in your head, that can often be an early sign of whoa, hang on a minute. You're discounting just how much you do, putting yourself down the list, and telling yourself, I don't really deserve this.

Jo Host

No, no, no, no. And then it becomes Well... We also see a really interesting pattern, which I guess can be some of those early warning signs as well. When the kitchen bench is clean, we've gotten through the birthday parties, and I'm on top of my to-do list—I'm ready for this big project at work—then I'll go out with the girlfriends.

So not only does it become I don't deserve it, but then there's this added layer of I now have to do all these extra things just to earn it. And then, depending on where you're at with your partner, it can turn into Alright, well, I've had a night out with the girls... Oh, now I owe him one, and now we're counting, and now I'm going to have to have the kids all night, because now he gets the thing... and then he won't do it...

And it just stirs up all of this emotion, which can become a really, really big nightmare. And you're like, Oh, too hard, and just sit on the couch and eat ice cream—which isn't actually what you need.

Sabina Guest

Here's your text with just the grammar corrected while keeping the original wording: Yeah, and isn't it interesting how this is a difference in gender? Women are often scanning the environment, really hypervigilant to everybody else's needs. Are the kids sorted? Is Mum sorted? Is hubby sorted? Oh no, my boss... We're hypervigilant about everyone else's needs, checking to see if something's about to go wrong, trying to preempt, trying to come up with plan A, B, C, D—or maybe I should do E—instead of, again, checking in with our own internal system.

Is there a warning light flashing somewhere? Is it my health? Is it my mood? What is the internal flashing light that's going off that I actually need to check in with and give myself permission to acknowledge? You need to check in with yourself and give yourself permission not to override your own truth just because you're putting other people's needs—or imagining other people's needs—ahead of what's actually going on for you right now. And this is when you can learn to actually disconnect.

Jo Host

Here's your text with just the grammar corrected while keeping the original wording: And this is when you can learn to actually disconnect. We can see people in very, very late stages of burnout repair really, really fast, can't we? When you make those mindset shifts and they’re supported by the patterns—this is, you know, not just about going and spending a week at a day spa.

You know, that can be a lovely thing to do, but it's a really big band-aid. You're going to come back, and if that mindset is still there, well then, now you're going to have to go and prove that you were worthy of that thing. So this worthiness, combined with the hypervigilance, as you said, and all these warning lights, can be exhausting.

Sabina Guest

That's right, that's right. And women are really good at pushing past the point of exhaustion. It’s actually amazing how many Ks they've got left in the tank when the petrol’s already empty—it’s really impressive.

Jo Host

It’s a little worrying that we’ve just normalized running on fumes—that it’s okay to be exhausted and okay to be, you know, only just scraping by until Friday night before you go horizontal because that’s all you’ve got left.

But I guess the other thing we see too, alongside this “I’ve got to keep going, I’ve got to keep going” mindset, is that hypervigilance can come with hyper-independence. And that’s a really interesting streak, isn’t it? It can be a very, very strong indicator that burnout is either inevitable or that it could come faster and hit you harder. So talk us through it, Sabina—what does hyper-independence look like?

Sabina Guest

Yeah, hyper-independence is something we see quite a lot of in our community, with women stepping into our world where the mindset is, If you want something done well, do it yourself. Oh, it’s just quicker if I do it myself. Oh God, they’re not going to do it properly anyway. Or, I’m not sure if I can really trust them to do a good enough job.

There are other ways in which it plays out, but it’s this habitual autopilot of not even checking in with yourself to see if you’re the best person to do something and just taking on all the tasks. The problem is that it can sometimes be recognized and rewarded—particularly in the workplace. It can even be the thing that gets you promoted. She’s a gun, you know. And at home as well, kids can sometimes see Mum as this superwoman, doing everything, etc., etc.

But it becomes this overdone strength.

Yes, it’s good to be independent, to stand on your own two feet, and not collapse. But we need to be interdependent. We need to know what we need for ourselves and be okay with reaching out—asking for support, input, collaboration, or cooperation when needed. What we see too often is this hyper-independence, where women—consciously or subconsciously—think that asking for help will create conflict or make them seem vulnerable, less than, or incapable.

There’s actually a lot of shame that we hear spoken about—shame in admitting that you need help, in admitting that you’re feeling a bit vulnerable, in admitting that you’ve reached capacity. So if any of that is striking a chord and you’re thinking, Oh, maybe that’s me, this might be a sign that you need to have a conversation with someone. Lift the lid on that shame. Be open and say what’s going on for you.

You don’t have to do it all yourself. Doing it all yourself is not only not good for you—it doesn’t allow others to step in and be part of your world. It doesn’t help people step up and collaborate at work. And if you’re a mum, you’re also role modeling—Do you have to do it all yourself?

Jo Host

No, no, we need to change this narrative. And for many of us, this was modeled by our parents. Often, our mothers had some of this, uh, martyr complex—Leave it with me—and yet they walked around the house stewing in resentment because nobody else helps around here. Like, no, no—you trained them not to help.

So this is our opportunity to be much better at recognizing that, yes, as you said, being independent can be a great thing. But you are not broken if you need help. You don’t need someone else’s permission to ask for help. You don’t need someone else’s permission to do something that meets your needs—whether that’s going to bed early, investing in a coach, having a massage, or simply taking care of yourself.

Because we don’t have that internal worthiness barometer—because we don’t have the mindset—we then go looking outside ourselves. Well, I don’t know, I’d like to do it, but what do you think? It’s this hypervigilance. We start looking outside for permission to take care of ourselves—because we feel we haven’t yet earned it, we don’t deserve it, and we’re failing. But if someone else tells us to do it, then it’s okay.

It’s a bit warped, isn’t it, Sabina?

Sabina Guest

It is. And you know, something that's really important to think about is—if you are secretly, or now not-so-secretly, aware that you’ve got some of these elements brewing… Sorry, not sorry. Spoiler alert: do something. This is ringing alarm bells.

Something that’s really important to ask yourself is: What is the actual cost going to be if I do collapse and fall over? That cost is going to be far more significant—in terms of time, money, expectations, not being able to care for your family, not being able to do your job. That is a very real, tangible cost if you don’t start tending to your needs, your mindset, your tools, and how you’re showing up. It’s far better—prevention is better than cure.

And yeah, we’ve both been there, Jo, haven’t we? And once you’ve been there… Some women have been there two or three times. When they come into our world, we’re like, Okay, we really need to upgrade. So yeah, I hope this has been illuminating and helpful, because we’re really passionate about having these conversations and raising awareness, aren’t we?

Jo Host

Yeah, and these are the signs of burnout. Everyone talks about the brain fog and ending up in the hospital, but it’s these traits—particularly in high-achieving women, particularly in this high-functioning burnout—that we’ve almost put on a pedestal.

I mean, I’ve been at school functions where it’s almost—excuse my French—like a pissing contest over who’s the busiest. I’m like, What are we, five? Well, I’m juggling this and this, and I’m this at school, and I’m that at work. Oh my God, why are we glorifying busy? Why are we making it okay to say, Yeah, you know, I haven’t really slept through the night since my kids were five…

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. We don’t want this. So it’s really important that we show you the other side—to give you some of these clues that are less obvious. Most importantly, so you can do something about it. Because you don’t have to earn your rest. You don’t have to feel guilty. Burnout does not have to be inevitable, even if you’re juggling a big job and a family. There is another way.

You don’t have to quit your job. You don’t have to blow up your life. But there are ways to eliminate these signs and really step into the best version of yourself. Any parting words, Sabina, for people who are now either feeling really naked and vulnerable because we’ve just completely called them out—or hopefully, hopefully, lovingly called them out?

Sabina Guest

Yeah, you know, a question that you might like to contemplate is: How does everyone get to benefit when I take care of myself or take care of my needs

Jo Host

You know, flip that narrative—it’s not inevitable. And, of course, you know where to find us. If we’ve seen you and the kimono is now on the floor, come talk to us. We probably know you better than you know yourself. So thank you for listening. No kimonos required—if you can't see us on video.

Sabina is quitting events, and we’ve gone X-rated pretty quickly. Clearly, it’s time to wrap. Have a wonderful day. We hope this has brought a smile to your face, and we will see you again next time on Balance & Beyond.

OUTRO: Thank you for joining us today on the Balance and Beyond Podcast. We're so glad you carved out this time for yourself. If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend who might need to hear this today. And if you're feeling extra generous, leaving us a review on your podcast platform of choice would mean the world. If you’re keen to dive deeper into our world, visit us at www.balanceinstitute.com to discover more about the toolkit that has helped thousands of women avoid burnout and create a life of balance, and beyond. Thanks again for tuning in, and we'll see you next time on the Balance & Beyond Podcast.