Balance & Beyond Podcast

Ever wondered why women often feel like they're just faking it?

Together, we unravel an unsettling doubt that lingers in the minds of many women, fueled by societal pressures and internal conflicts. Our conversation focuses on the courage required to confront these fears and stop self-gaslighting, offering actionable insights to take control of your career path and align with your true desires.

Transformation doesn't need to be a dramatic upheaval; it can be a thoughtful journey. We explore the power of small, intentional changes, like connecting with supportive communities and reigniting old passions, to achieve profound personal growth. Through inspiring stories and practical advice, we highlight the importance of authenticity, self-care, and creating balance to avoid burnout. Embrace the path towards a fulfilling life by tuning in and discovering how to align your choices with your authentic self and potential.

Don't forget to register for The High Achiever Paradox! Part 2 is on Friday 22nd November with replays available on-demand. We'll be discussing practical strategies and shedding light on how this phenomenon is raging in successful women more than ever before.

You can register at balanceinstitute.com/paradox. Carve the time out for you. See you there!

Episode Transcript

INTRO: Welcome to Balance and Beyond, the podcast for ambitious women who refuse to accept burnout as the price of success. Here, we’re committed to empowering you with the tools and strategies you need to achieve true balance, where your career, relationships and health all thrive, and where you have the power to define success on your own terms. I honour the space you’ve created for yourself today, so take a breath, and let's dive right in…

Jo Host

Welcome back. It is imposter season. Believe it or not, we are partway through our High Achiever Paradox live workshop series, and there's a really important, almost next level, of this imposter conversation that we must have. It's one that is not really being spoken about, but we are finding it is becoming more insidious with a particular type of woman. And I'm joined today by the lovely Sabina, our wonderful mindset coach from our team here. Welcome, Sabina!

Sabina Guest

Hi Jo! Looking forward to continuing this conversation that's so important to have!

Jo Host

It's a live one, isn't it? We are seeing this increasingly on clients that are coming to us. So, we all know what imposter syndrome is. We shared in the last episode about some of the types of imposters. We'll put that link in the show notes, if you need to go back and listen to it. 

If we were to really summarize what imposter syndrome is, it's that feeling of, that you're going to be found out that they don't know, or that they're going to find out that you don't know anything, that you are hiding, and that they're going to realize you shouldn't be where you are, and you're going to get fired, or you're going to lose your job. It can be really dangerous, can't it Sabina? It can lead to a lot of self-doubt and all kinds of compensatory behaviors. 

Sabina Guest

Yeah. It's this feeling of, you know, “I can't take my foot off the pedal.” Or “I've got to be hypervigilant.” You know, it can be the cause of lots of late night waking, ruminating, and second-guessing yourself, and it takes up so much energy and bandwidth. 

And it's one of the things that we're so passionate about lifting the lid on, because too many people, and I would say men and women struggle with this feeling of being an imposter. And “What if I get found out?” And we just feel so strongly about this. And the conversation seems to be ramping up, particularly with women that we work with. Yeah, we want to talk about the ways in which this plays out, and some of the surprising ways that it may be affecting you that you don't realize. 

Jo Host

And rather than talk about, let's call it, “Standard Imposter Syndrome” that many people know about, there is a new type of imposter. They're calling this the “Imposter's Big Sister.” I don't know whether that's an affectionate term, or not. What we are seeing can actually almost be more insidious, because it's very silent, and it's something that a lot of women have so much shame over. And the best way to describe this in one sentence would be “Normal Imposter Syndrome” is the fear that you don't deserve to be in the room. This fear is that you are. 

You deserve to be in the room that you're in, but you're in the room. This fear is that you deserve to be in the room that you're in, but you're in the wrong room. Isn't that scary, Sabina? When you have this thought of, “Oh my gosh!” “Am I in the wrong career?” “Yes, I've made it!” “Yes, I'm at this level!” “I know I can do the job, I know I'm good at it.” “But, I don't know if this is for me.” “Am I willing to throw away a 20-year career?” “Do I blow up my life?” It's so deep. 

Sabina Guest

It is. And it can be quite terrifying to contemplate that. And so, rather than unpicking that, and thinking about making steps forward, what we find is that there can be these looping thoughts of, “Oh no, maybe it is me.” Or, “Maybe it's the environment.” And these sort of spinning wheels of doubt, which can last for a really long time. And the longer it goes on, there's this idea of “sunk cost”, right? 

You know, you've put too much time and effort and investment and hope into this long career, and a lot of family members or loved ones or partners would be horrified at the thought of you going somewhere else. And so, rather than really looking into that, the conversations that we're hearing is that women sometimes say, “Oh no, well, maybe it's me, you know.” And making themselves wrong. “It's this place, I'll just change jobs, I'll go get another.” 

Jo Host

It's just this place. I mean, we've had people who are partners in law firms, and they've sunk so many hours, and so much of their lives into it, and they go “It's this place.” And then we speak to them. “No, no, I'll change jobs.” “That'll fix it!” Six months later, “Oh Jo, it's not the job!” “Maybe it's me.” 

And that thought can be terrifying, because you've reached an income level, you've got a certain social status, and the thought of, “Well, I don't know what I want to do next.” It takes a lot of courage, doesn't it, Sabina? That's a key word here. To actually stop gaslighting yourself, stop blaming other things, and go, “Maybe this is within my control to actually fix.” “Yeah.” 

Sabina Guest

And then the question is, “But what?” “I don't know.” It's this sort of gnawing, sinking feeling, like your blood's draining out of your system going, “Okay, this isn't right anymore.” “Oh no, but what do I do?” “I don't know who I am outside of the label of, you know, senior partner.” Or whatever it is. “I don't know, this is what I've been doing for so long.” “Oh well, maybe.” “Oh, it's not that much longer.” “It's only another 10, 15 years of my career.” 

No, that's not the sort of thinking we want. Yeah. So, it becomes this bigger existential question, almost of, “Who am I?” “What do I care about?” “Where do I want to spend my time and energy?” “Where do I want to make an impact?” “I don't know, it's all too hard.” Another 6 months goes by, another 12 months of feeling like something doesn't sit right. “I don't feel like I belong, I don't feel comfortable in my own skin anymore.” And that can lead to this feeling of, you know, incongruence. 

There's this dissonance where you're going through the motions, and you're being productive. You know, you're ticking all the boxes. You may even be getting pay rises, and reward, and recognition. But, inside, it just doesn't feel right. You don't feel like yourself. But, you're also not sure of who your true self is. It's a bit of a quandary. 

Jo Host

It is. And I guess a sign that you could be in this position, is that you're getting rewards and accolades, as you said, and you're kicking goals. And yet, they feel empty. And the clue that you're misaligned, and that maybe you're in the wrong room, is that these things that you thought you always wanted, and you get them, and you go, “Oh, I thought that I would feel better when I got the thing.” Or “I thought that I would feel like I've made it.” And then, that gnawing feeling just gets louder, and louder, and it's like an emptiness. And it can start to eat you alive. 

Sabina Guest

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. It's that kind of creeping, crawling feeling of, “Is this it?” “But, I've given so much of my life, and dedication, and actually the quality and lifestyle that I have is pretty much dependent on me not making any big waves.” That is not living. 

Jo Host

No, that is absolutely existing. And that's such a common thing that people say to us. “I want to live again.” “I don't want to just survive, and exist, and be on the hamster wheel, and the treadmill.” “It's time to actually bring the joy back.” “But, it can be really hard, can't it?” When you mentioned before … I have this quote I love. Brene Brown calls it a “midlife remembering”. And an awakening of, “Well, hang on, who am I?” And that's the journey. 

I guess the antidote to this type of, if you've got any type of gnawing feeling of, “I'm in the wrong room.” Rather than try to change the room first, and figure it out by hopping between rooms. So, “I know, I'll blow up my life, and go start a business.” Or “I'll move to the country.” Or “I'll go do all these things.” That gnawing feeling isn't going to go away. You're going to make a lot of wrong moves. You're going to cost yourself a lot of time, probably sacrifice a lot of money, and a lot of fulfillment, if you don't work out who you are first. Such an important piece, isn't it, Sabina? 

Sabina Guest

It really is. And also, there's so much on the other side of those questions. And we live in a society where you're recognized, and encouraged, for going step by step, at a pace quicker. The measure of success is decision, and determination. And that is great! But, sometimes, you do have to stop and take stock, and zoom out, so that you can see the wood for the trees again, and check in with, “Well, who am I now?” “Is this Version One?” “Version Two?” “Version Three of me?” 

You know, a lot of women come out of the baby rearing years, and then they're getting back into their careers, they're rising through the ranks. And a lot of conversations are, “I'm not actually quite sure of who I am right now.” And again, that question around your career, and being in the “right” or “wrong” room, is tied in often with this stage of parenting. It can be a really potent time, it can be a potent opportunity, if you know how to bring consciousness to it, where to bring these conversations to. 

And also, to have a bit of a roadmap of, “Okay, well, how do I figure this out?” And we're not having enough conversations in the public arena to be able to talk about this, to plot a course, to help women find their answers, to reconnect to what's important to them. That's the piece that needs to happen, because there's nothing wrong with questioning. There really is nothing wrong with questioning. 

“We're supposed to evolve, and grow, and not make ourselves wrong.” The piece that's missing is not knowing who to look to or who to turn to, to know that you're not alone and when you Google things like midlife crisis, so much of the advice doesn't land with women in our world. 

Jo Host

“Oh, take some time out for yourself and be mindful.” “Well, until you learn how to do that properly, you're right, I'm going to meditate.” “Okay, walk the dog.” “After I've walked the dog, I need to buy more gravy.” “And then, I got to wash the sheets, and then I’ve got the report due.” “Crap, forgot to do this thing.” Like, that's not going to work, isn't it, anymore?

Anyone looks at all of that advice on how to find yourself. And, yes, you can take yourself off for a beautiful five day raw food meditation retreat in the hinterland somewhere, and get great insight. But then, you get plonked back in your everyday life. And, unfortunately, we don't all live on an island, drinking pina coladas. We have to interact with other humans. 

And most of us aren't in the position of being able to blow up our lives, and leave our children, and leave our partners, to have a year to wander around India, and have a little ”Eat, Pray, Love” moment, and find our partners. I mean, don't get me wrong, bring that on. But there's also ways for us to do that. 

Like that's the model right, blow up my life, have my eat, pray, love, go write a book, go live in Tuscany and, you know, meet a random Italian man who drives a Vespa, like I've obviously been watching too many movies. I just came back from Italy, like, “What have you been watching?” Okay, but there's something about, “That’s the blueprint.” “That’s how you find yourself and you're there going.” ”I've got a mortgage, I've got kids, I've got commitments.” “I don't know what else to do.” 

So, “I'll numb it all, I'll put my head down, and I'll hope that it goes away.” But, to your point, when you can find others that are on the same journey, it makes it so much more fun without the need for the Italian, and the Vespa. 

Sabina Guest

Well, without that. I mean, that's cool! If that's your thing, rock on! You know? But, the point is, it doesn't have to be this extreme, because there are so, so many women, we're realising, that are suffering in silence. You know, sometimes they get on the phone with me, and they're in tears, because they think it's just them. 

It's like, “No, talk to me, talk to me.” “It’s all right.” I can let you know, “You’re not on your own.” Because, they're these powerful, ambitious, incredibly brilliant women, who are just really doubting themselves. You think you have to make this dramatic change, which feels terrifying, but it doesn't have to be. We've learned, haven't we? 

I mean, you've set the roadmap with Balance & Beyond, of there are some key pieces: tools, mindset, self-inquiry, coaching. That can be done. That doesn't require you to literally blow up your life. But, you just address some certain areas, so that you can have different perspectives, and open your mind to possibility, instead of feeling like your world is getting smaller, and smaller, and smaller, and less meaningful. 

You don't have to do these dramatic changes. Find yourself with the right support, in the right room, and that might just be the piece that helps you realise, this isn't such a dramatic problem. After all, this is actually an opportunity. 

Jo Host

Yeah, I mean, we've had people come in feeling exactly this way. Suffocated, like the walls are closing in on them, and they're about to hit the eject button on everything: job, marriage. You know, sell the house, do everything. And they come in and work with us, and in a matter of months, they've gone, “Oh my god, actually, I forgot that I have this amazing love of horse riding, and what if I could pick that up and put that in my life?” And then, all their dreams come true, and they work out who they want to be. They bring back in hobbies, they reconnect with old friends that they didn't realise they missed. 

And now, because they're who they're meant to be, they've found themselves. Their old relationship almost burns down, and they start a new one. They get to almost remarry, or re-partner, with the person they're with. But they get to be their full, authentic selves. And then, I remember this woman saying to me, “Jo, my relationship is better than it ever has been!” She was able to work out what she wanted at work, and renegotiate her job, so she didn't have to leave, she didn't have to give up her profession, but said, “Look, this is the elements of this”, is what I love about what I want to do, because this aligns with me. And she negotiated a nine day fortnight with time for horse riding. 

And now she's like, “I don't have to leave my job.” “I don't have to give up my partnership.” “I love it.” “I'm back, engaged in my work.” “I didn't have to blow up my life, and my life is now infinitely better.” “I actually had more of the building blocks in my life than I realized.” But, when the walls are closing in, and when you're so empty and hollow inside, and it feels like a black hole, you can't see any of what you've actually put in place that could be right. You've just got to shift you.

And then, yes, we have people who leave their marriages, and change jobs, and start businesses, and relocate, or do all those things too. But, what I love is that, when they make those decisions, they do it from a place of knowing who they are, and with confidence that that next step is the right next step for them. So, there's no regrets. There's no, “Oh, my God, what have I done?” Because, then they blow up their job, and then realize that the next one didn't fit. 

So, they've got this beautiful confidence and empowerment that, yes, on the outside, it might look like they're doing it. But, instead of doing it from fear, “I can't handle this.” “Eject, eject, eject, blow it all up!” Usually with collateral damage and carnage. I'm going to intentionally now know, “This is who I am, this is what I want.” So, it's less frantic, it's less fear driven, and it makes such a difference to the outcome, doesn't it, Sabina? 

Sabina Guest

Yeah, it's coming from a place of understanding yourself, having let go of masks or duties, perhaps, that were long overdue to be dropped. So, being more authentic and more connected to your truth, and what lights you up, helps you to make decisions from a place that feels congruent. You know, I talk about this a lot, oftentimes when you're feeling, yeah, just awful, you've got that gnawing feeling. 

It’s because there's a misalignment in terms of what your true values are and passions are, so being able to make these decisions. You still may end up making the same decision, but you feel grounded, and solid, and resourced, to be able to move forwards with more confidence. There is always a risk in making change. Life is about change. 

But, if you can know who you are, have frameworks in place, have solid people around you who are going to help you stay on track, you know you've got to keep moving forwards, because staying stuck is a surefire way to just spiral down, and then definitely feel like you're in the wrong place. 

Jo Host

Yeah, and then, those old patterns kick in. Right. “I'm not sure if I'm in the right room.” “I know!” “I'll work harder, and then I'll work out if I'm in the right place.” Like, come on, ladies, it is time. If there's any part of you that resonates with this, we really invite you to put your hand up, and to not live in shame anymore. You are not broken. There is nothing wrong with you. 

And when you're ready, there's an entire community of women, many of whom are on the same journey, who are cheering each other on. The newbies who come into our community, other women, whether it's coming through our different programs, like, “You've got this.” This is the best thing you've ever done. 

You're going to find who the real you is, and they never, ever, regret putting their hand up and saying, “Okay, I'm ready to find me, this is my time.” At whatever stage of life you're in, if you don't have kids, if you've got a newborn, if your kids are in school, whatever that looks like. There's something so beautiful, isn't there, Sabina? About a woman who says, “It's my turn now.” 

Sabina Guest

Yeah, it can feel scary and terrifying. But you'll know when you've had enough of the doubt, and when you step forwards and say, “Yes”. And you look around and go, “There are other women like me!” “This is where you've all been hanging out!” There's this sense of coming home, and community, and growth, and yeah, it's just, it's really cool, absolutely! 

Jo Host

Absolutely so. I hope if you are someone who has that gnawing feeling, if you're wondering if there's something wrong with you, and you're in the wrong room, well then, you know where to find us. You'll find our links everywhere. Come and join us!  We can give you that roadmap, or find someone else to talk to, to share, to have this conversation with another woman. Share this episode with a friend you think might have it and say, “You'd like this too.” And, you know, we've got to start having these conversations. 

I think every woman deserves the right to feel like she deserves to be in whatever room she chooses to be in, from a place of empowerment. And, if we can make that happen, then the world is going to be a better place, on so many measures. 

Sabina Guest

Yes!

Jo Host

Sabina says, “Amen!” 

Sabina Guest

Amen, sister! 

Jo Host

Amen, sister! Well, Sabina, thank you for joining me today! If you are catching this episode as we go live, then make sure you come and join us for Part Two of the High Achiever Paradox, where we are talking about this Imposter Syndrome 2.0, and we're going to be talking about what are the tools that you need to actually find that roadmap, giving you a sneak peek into our world. So, you find all the links in the show notes, but come and join us. Otherwise, let's get out of the room. Ladies, I'm going dirty again, aren't I? 

Sabina Guest

Find yourself … Never mind, we're not going there!

Jo Host

I hope this episode has given you a laugh. Everyone, have a wonderful day!

Sabina Guest

Bye, Jo!

OUTRO: Thanks for joining us today on the Balance and Beyond Podcast. We're so glad you carved out this time for yourself. If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend who might need to hear this today. And if you're feeling extra generous, leaving us a review on your podcast platform of choice would mean the world. If you’re keen to dive deeper into our world, visit us at www.balanceinstitute.com to discover more about the toolkit that has helped thousands of women avoid burnout and create a life of balance, and beyond. Thanks again for tuning in, and we'll see you next time on the Balance & Beyond Podcast.