Balance & Beyond Podcast

Can navigating conflict be the key to unlocking your full potential as a leader?

Join us as we explore this crucial skill with profound insights from a recent training session with graduates of the Balance & Beyond Coaching Program. We uncover the hidden pitfalls of conflict avoidance, from subtle disagreements to overt confrontations, and how steering clear of these situations can breed resentment and passive-aggressive behaviour. By understanding the deep-rooted biological and social conditioning that compels women to maintain harmony, you'll learn how to embrace and navigate necessary conflicts to foster stronger leadership and healthier connections.

Ever wondered why your brain's survival instincts kick in during professional confrontations? We delve into the biological and historical roots of conflict aversion, revealing why our ancestors' fight-or-flight responses still shape our behaviours today. Discover practical strategies to cultivate a sense of internal safety, recognise physical signs of distress, and address the root causes of feeling unsafe. Unlock the tools you need to manage conflicts effectively, engage in difficult conversations, provide constructive feedback, and hold firm boundaries—all without feeling threatened. This episode is your guide to transforming conflict into a pathway for personal growth and enhanced performance.

Episode Transcript

INTRO: Welcome to Balance and Beyond, the podcast for ambitious women who refuse to accept burnout as the price of success. Here, we’re committed to empowering you with the tools and strategies you need to achieve true balance, where your career, relationships and health all thrive, and where you have the power to define success on your own terms. I honour the space you’ve created for yourself today, so take a breath, and let's dive right in…

Conflict. This one word can have women shaking in their boots, running for the hills. And it is something that, unless we learn to deal with it, is going to stop you stepping into your full potential. In today's episode, I'm going to be sharing with you a nugget of wisdom that I recently shared with women who are in the Alliance, which is, those who've completed our ‘Foundational Balance and Beyond’ program and are really moving on to the next level of leadership. 

This is a huge “Aha!” moment, and not one I typically share on my podcast. Because these women invest significantly in themselves, to get access to this information. But, it was a couple of lines in. It was a couple of moments of an hour and a half training. And it's had such an impact, and such a ripple effect, that I feel compelled to share it, because I know that this is holding you back in leadership. It's holding you back in relationships, and I want to ensure that this little one nugget is going to unlock so much of the other training and information you've had on this topic. 

When we talk about some of the biggest challenges that women face in stepping up into leadership, or even in building connections with partners particularly, it was in a leadership training context that this theme came up again, and again, having difficult conversations, managing conflict. There's so much leadership training about this, and the word is thrown around a lot. 

Negotiation is all of these pieces, and it's something that so many women know that they have real, real trouble with. But, every other training that I've had, has failed to address this crucial point that I recently learned. Now, conflict has many guises. It can be anything from walking on eggshells, right through to jumping in a boxing ring, and bashing somebody in the head. 

Obviously, everything exists on a spectrum. But, the most typical conflict I'm talking about here, that I see women face, particularly in a leadership context, is giving negative feedback. It’s addressing poor performance, it's saying no, because holding a boundary are actually opportunities to inflict conflict. Somebody wants you to do something, and if you don't agree with that, then conflict ensues. “I want you to take this extra project.” If you say no, you are actually stepping into conflict. 

And so, if you are somebody who would consider yourselves a people pleaser, if you really struggle to say no, then what sits under that is actually your inability to step into conflict. Often, we are pushed into conflict. We don't have a choice. When someone conflicts with us, however, I have seen so many women run away with their tails, between their legs, not address the thing, not say the thing, and then they walk away, having avoided the conflict. Because, heaven forbid, “I don't want to rock the boat.” 

And then they stew in resentment, and it becomes toxic, and anger, and frustration. They become passive, aggressive and they nitpick and this pollutes everything in their life. And then they avoid conflict at home and they don't say the thing to their partner, they don't say the thing to the kids. So it is insidious and unless you learn how to do this properly, you will always suffer. 

And for context, I'm talking here about women struggling to step into conflict, because, by and large, I'm talking about stereotypes here. Many women do have a challenge with this. That being said, I've worked with plenty of senior leaders, alpha males, you name it, and they also have struggled to step into conflict. They've preferred to bury it, or they wait for the conflict to simmer, simmer, simmer, simmer, and then they completely flip their lid and everyone's simmer, simmer, simmer, and then they completely flip their lid.

So, this is a human problem. But, the lens that I'm going to put on today is some of the conditioning, and the strategies that I have seen women use in order to avoid it, and also share some of our biological wiring and why. That has a lot to do with our attitude and our ability to navigate and step into conflict. 

One thing I will say is conflict is a necessary part of being a human. You can't avoid it. You can't. It's not something that you can ever run away from, because if you need to relate to other people, conflict comes inherent with that. And if you are never in conflict, what that says to me, is you are completely subjugating any needs that you have. If you are always peaceful, then you've either got your head in the sand, or you're just being passive aggressive, and aren't actually aware that you're stepping into things. 

Now, some people are not necessarily conflict heavy. You could say, “I'm not someone who has a lot of conflict, but I'm very, very aware now, when I'm avoiding it.” I am very, very aware when I'm not saying the thing, and when I unlocked this piece that I'm going to share with you today, it all made so much sense. 

So, let's talk about where a lot of this aversion to conflict comes from and how it's almost evolved from our, let's say, caveman roots to all the conditioning we, as women, had in the seventies, eighties and nineties, and how this is playing out today. So women, no surprise, are wired for connection. The areas of our brain related to things like language and reading, body language are much higher than for men, which is all that you need in order. 

Ultimately, you want to avoid conflict, and keep harmony. That has been our job, typically. If we go back to caveman days, knowing that 99% of our brain evolved on the Savannah, our role has been to keep harmony in the tribe, to keep the peace. Now, that doesn't mean that we don't necessarily step into conflict once upon a time, but we are wired to avoid some of that testosterone.  

How do women show that we're agreeing with someone, and how do we stay connected? Have you ever been out to a girl's dinner, or a girl's lunch? Let me ask you, does everyone speak one at a time, or is there lots of, “Yeah, I know, me too.” I've just come back from a mum's weekend away, and there were 50 women in the pub, and there was so much noise and I was really conscious of this, because I knew I was recording this episode and there was this constant connection. 

Yep, agreeing, agreeing, agreeing, multiple people talking. This is how women connect, and this constant sort of feedback that yes, I agree, yes, I'm connected to you. Not only does it make us feel great, but there's a biological reason for that, and that is because we feel great, because we are connected to someone, because that makes us feel safe. 

Go back to caveman days. If there was conflict in the cave, and we're living in a small tribe. Bear in mind that we typically have double the amount of female ancestors, to male ancestors. And I believe that we were polygamous for about 90-95% of our history. So, you've got less men, many women having babies, having children. And when the men, like many animals, would get into territorial wars, it was dangerous. It was dangerous for you, it was dangerous for your offspring. This could even before we had language and we're communicating in different ways.

So, we see this all throughout

the animal kingdom. This, you know mothers protecting the young, trying to avoid conflict, the men typically going at conflict to prove who is the greater male, obviously then to be the winner, to attract mates. This now, is the profile on Tinder that gets all the swipes, or the Instagram profile. It's just the same. It just now has this 21st century lens on it. 

So, what this means is connection, it means constant communication. It means feeling safe. Safety is the number one priority of your brain. It will prioritize safety over anything else, any other biological program. If you don't feel safe, then other things don't work. When there is conflict which means when you say “no” to that project, when you disagree with somebody, when you're disagreeing with that opinion being expressed, or what they've said, that makes us feel inherently unsafe. 

I should say, with every escalation of that conflict, whether it's the word said, the body language, the facial expressions. The more unsafe we feel, the more anxious we become. Safety alarm bells start going off, “Not safe, not safe, not safe.” What that means is, biologically, we are wired that if we are not in agreement with somebody: i.e. “If there is conflict, we are not safe.” Can you see how that could be impacting your aversion to conflict? 

So, we take this biological caveman brain, “safety = connected”, “lack of safety = unsafe = conflict.” And now, you overlay that biological piece into the 80s, where it was still ,”Come on, women, burn your bras!” But don't speak up, don't rock the boat. There were even some studies that showed that, you know, often if there were kids arguing in the playground, they would ask a girl to come in, and make the peace. 

So, we are known as the peacemakers from a stereotypical gender perspective. Because, we can be better at it. We are wired to read body language. We're wired to read facial expressions, so we can see anger. Female brains hear more variation in tone than male brains do. So, we are wired to diffuse conflict, which is why we tend to have better EQ, which is why we are often better at leading people. Because, we can understand all of these inherent pieces that make up that connection. 

But can you see why now biological programming, in the 80s and 90s, is still, “You can do anything!” “But don't rock the boat.” “It's still dangerous.” “You've still got to be careful how you dress.” This is why there is a part of you still raging in a meeting. When or, you know, when there's a disagreement about how to discipline your child, or when you have to say no to something, there is this caveman part of your brain going, “Oh my gosh, I'm disconnected!” “I am not safe.” I hope there's a penny dropping for you right now. 

And yes, you need to learn how to respond to conflict. Of course you need language and frameworks, and you need to know how to hold yourself. However, none of those are going to work if your body and your nervous system doesn't feel inherently safe. I said it before, but I'll say it again. Safety is your brain's number one priority. 

So, the moment your safety is threatened, the moment you are starting to go into fight or flight, other programs in your prefrontal cortex can’t find the language that you want. It's gone. It's disappeared. It has been taken over by your amygdala. You have been hijacked. That part of your brain that controls responses, and language, and reason, it's gone. It's been hijacked by your amygdala, which is going, “Not safe, not safe, not safe.” Which is why you often find in those circumstances, when you do step into conflict, you can't control your emotions. 

Maybe you feel this. I know I've been in situations where I've been feeling attacked in a boardroom. There is no lion, but I tell you what? My body swears that there was something about to crawl across the table and kill me. I felt that heat that can rise almost from your stomach. You notice that my neck can get really, really flushed, and that's because you want to say something. You want to say something, but it's not safe to, and so you can almost feel constricted around your throat, like it's closing in. And then your head starts to pound. You can find that your palms get really sweaty. Sometimes I can even start to shake. 

And all of this is your body getting you ready to run from the lion. Your body doesn't know that those same chemicals that flood our system, when we're in conflict, are the same chemicals that flood our system when a lion is approaching us. And again, let's go back to caveman days. Lion’s coming. We want to be really fixated on, “Okay, where's the wind blowing?” “Where is the stick that I might step on that's going to make a noise?” “Where is this?” So, we are focused very much on the external world. 

So, of course, if that external world is now attacking you, and you have no internal sense of safety, you are going to feel so unhinged so quickly. And it doesn't take much for us to have had a few experiences of that feeling of lack of safety. Whether it happens in childhood, whether it happens early on in your career, for our brain to just go, “Nah, nah, not worth it.” “Don't want to be a part of that.” 

And I've got distinct memories of playground situations where, you know, there was a conflict, and I was shoved in by a teacher to try to be the “peacemaker.” Or told to, you know, shake hands and make up, and be friends, and just then being able to feel the daggers coming from this other child, that wanted to poke my eyes out. 

So, we learn really, really young. “I don't like that feeling.” “I don't feel safe.” “Avoid that situation, circumstance, at all costs.” But, here's the thing. If you want to be a leader, you have to step into conflict. You can't avoid it. So, rather than trying to control the conflict, or avoid the conflict, or suppress the conflict, which is what most people do, you have the option to learn to manage your own reaction to conflict. 

This is incredibly powerful, because you can now step into conflict knowing that you have cultivated your own internal sense of safety. You are detached from those around you. Sounds really easy, right? “Cultivate your own internal sense of safety.” “Jo, sure.” 

However, most women have been programmed to look outside themselves for that safety. That safety comes in the form of validation. “Yes, you've done a good job.” Approval. “Yes, you look pretty.” Or “That was a good report.” Or “Yes, you're smart.” So, the moment we step into conflict, and there is nothing outside that gives us that safety, we don't have our own internal foundation. There's not a part of us that says, you know, “What I've got is me.” “I know I'm going to be okay, I know I've got my intelligence. Or “I know I've got my strength.” Or I” know I've got my ability to pivot. Or “I know I've got whatever else it is.” 

And so, until you have built this internal mechanism for yourself, you would rather bury the conflict, ignore it, shut it down, avoid it, because you will choose the discomfort. And the stress of avoiding the conflict, and shutting it down, and all these compensatory behaviors about covering for team members, and doing their work. You would rather do all of that, than step into that feeling of being unsafe. 

Which is ironic, because very often, once you can find the courage, and you learn to build this safety, all you have to do is ask for help. Or, a conversation with someone about their standards, or their performance, and now you don't have to pick up the slack for them. Going to your boss and saying, “My team's not up to standard, I need to swap a team member out, or I need a new resource.” Going into something where the answer could be “no” is conflict. 

But, you would rather bury, overwork, over push, white knuckle control. Then, learn to do this yourself. Many women didn't know this was an option. They thought that controlling their hands on everything, that “I'll just do it myself”, that that was the only option. 

However, you can learn how to find safety. You can learn how to cultivate this beautiful skill yourself, to ground yourself, to stop you looking outside for validation, for the fact that you're good enough. And, when you can do that well, then you can onboard the conversation framework. You can implement the tools, you can be curious as to their reaction. You have to stop this giant alarm bell going off for anything else to work. 

So, if you've been on other leadership programs, and they've given you frameworks and how to negotiate, which is essentially conflict. How to, you know, have difficult conversations? There are so many trainings around this. And, yes, we talk about psychological safety. But that is usually in the context of you, your relationship with that individual, or the workplace cultivating an environment of psychological safety. 

But no one's talking about, “How do you build your own internal world where you feel safe?” “Where you do not feel like stepping into that conflict is at a risk of your own personal safety, brain and survival?” Because, that is what is happening. So, the next time you're in a conflict, whether at work, at home, in parenting, I really encourage you to stop, if you can, in the middle of that, and ask yourself, “Do I feel unsafe right now?” “Do I feel unsafe to speak up?” “Do I feel unsafe to say no?”

Listen to your body, because the answer to that question is not in your mind. Listen to the tingles. Listen to the adrenaline that's flooding your system. Feel the heat rising. Is there constriction around your throat? Do you feel your redness going up your neck to your face? Are you starting to shake? Are you grinding your teeth? These are all ginormous clues that, right now, you don't feel safe in your conflict. 

Change this, and you change the game. You now give feedback. You now say “No.” You now hold boundaries. You can address poor performance. You do this, and I promise you everything is going to be for the better. So, step into that conflict, take a really deep breath and have fun seeing what you can uncover.

OUTRO: Thank you for joining us today on the Balance and Beyond Podcast. We're so glad you carved out this time for yourself. If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend who might need to hear this today. And if you're feeling extra generous, leaving us a review on your podcast platform of choice would mean the world. If you’re keen to dive deeper into our world, visit us at www.balanceinstitute.com to discover more about the toolkit that has helped thousands of women avoid burnout and create a life of balance, and beyond. Thanks again for tuning in, and we'll see you next time on the Balance & Beyond Podcast.