Balance & Beyond Podcast

Settings boundaries is not selfish - they are essential for health and happiness!

On today's episode of Balance and Beyond, we shatter five pervasive myths about setting boundaries for women, tackling misconceptions that often lead to burnout and imbalance. From the false belief that women should do it all to the damaging idea that boundaries are inherently selfish, we shed light on why prioritising your own needs is crucial. Join us as we redefine success and balance, empowering you to establish healthy boundaries supporting a fulfilling life.

We also delve into the dynamics of family respect, particularly for mothers, challenging the traditional image of self-sacrifice that leads to resentment and exhaustion. Discover why teaching and modelling flexible, adaptable boundaries is crucial for your children's understanding of personal limits. Learn the difference between rigid walls and flexible boundaries and why the latter is key to a balanced life. 

If you’d like to learn more about boundaries, join us for The Boundary Blueprint, a free 2-part virtual workshop where we share how to ditch the resentment and unlock more time, energy and joy. Visit www.balanceinstitute.com/blueprint to save your free spot.

Episode Transcript

INTRO: Welcome to Balance and Beyond, the podcast for ambitious women who refuse to accept burnout as the price of success. Here, we’re committed to empowering you with the tools and strategies you need to achieve true balance, where your career, relationships and health all thrive, and where you have the power to define success on your own terms. I honour the space you’ve created for yourself today, so take a breath, and let's dive right in…

Before we begin, I want to make sure that if boundaries are something that you struggle with, and this means saying “no” out of fear of being selfish, everything we're going to cover today, then I want to make sure that you register for our free two-part series. It's called the “Boundaries Blueprint”, and this is going to be a chance for you, over two days, to get an amazing amount of information on what boundaries are, how you build them, how you hold them, what stops all your sabotage programs. 

So, if you need to learn to say “no”, if you're always putting yourself last, then come and join us. Registration is free. We'll put links in the show notes or you can visit balanceinstitute.com/boundaryblueprint. So, I hope to see you there!

Now let's talk about these five biggest myths. First and foremost, one of the main reasons that women struggle to hold boundaries, is because they worry that a boundary is selfish. “Oh, that means I'm putting my own needs first.” “That means that I'm being selfish.” And a “good woman” or a “good mother” puts everybody else ahead of them, because that might have been the model that you've been taught. That is absolute BS and it's a lie.

Boundaries are not selfish. Boundaries, in fact, allow you to be the best version of yourself. I wonder if this is something that resonates, if you worry about being selfish, and if you were to say “no” to someone, or if you worry about letting them down. Well, is it actually the best thing for you to show up depleted, exhausted, grumpy, it’s not the best version of yourself, unable to focus? 

Is that the right thing to do by those around you? Or do they deserve to have someone who is energized, and topped up, and focused, and present. Which of those options do you think is best for your team, for your family, or for your friends? Not the depleted one, right? And so, this is why boundaries are so important for you to be able to show up as your best self. But, if you are ever going to be able to implement boundaries, you really need to ditch this word “selfish” and ditch this fear. 

Now, I know being “selfish”, It runs very, very deep. I did an entire episode on the curse of being selfish, because it afflicts so many women. We hear it all the time here. However, I want you to recognize that this is something that has to go from your vocabulary, if you're ever going to hold a boundary. 

Next up, let's talk about this wonderful word, or phrase. I should say that we often expect ourselves to do, and that is well. I should be able to do it all. I should be able to say “yes” to everything. I'm fiercely independent. I can do whatever I want. Well, we say hello, probably late 70’s, 80’s and maybe even early 90’s babies, we were brought up to believe that we could do it all. We could be prime minister or president! We could go to the moon! We could do whatever we wanted! 

And so, in many women's minds, if you have to say “no” to something, that almost is akin to failure because, “I should be able to do everything!” “I should be able to work and have a big job!” and “I should be able to be a mum who bakes cupcakes!” and “I should be able to have a body that looks like this!” and “I should be able to have a house that looks like this!” and “I should … !” So much “should-ing”, so much “should-ing”. And this is what holds us back. 

We are amongst the first generation, at a large scale, of women who have completely flipped the paradigm, where we now are trying to have a career on the level of women previously, who never had children, or many outside commitments, and we have completely different expectations of parenting. My parents never played with me. They drove me around to places, but I was told to “shuffle off” and “read” or “go play by yourself.” I was an only child. I wasn't allowed to watch TV. “Just disappear.” “Get out of my space.” 

So, we were raised in a completely different way, and yet we've put such different expectations on ourselves, as to how we have to parent, about how we have to show up, about this front that we have to be able to somehow manage, and do it seamlessly, and effortlessly, and like it's not hard. 

But I call BS on all of that because really what that turns into is “toxic independence.” And toxic independence is “I should be able to do it all.” “I can't ask for help.” “I won't ask for help.” Even if you ask for help, by some chance, often then you can't even receive it. Or, if you receive the help, you now believe you owe someone. And so, you will then take the help, but then double down on over-giving to somebody else, Because they helped you. 

Is any of this resonating? Because, we see this all the time. So, if you have any connection between boundaries and failure, that is something for you to go and look at. You shouldn't be able to do it at all. You are not a robot, you are not superhuman, despite what you might like to think. And just because you might even want to do it all, I would question how much of your let's call them “desires” or “drive” to do it all is truly coming from a place of wanting and desire. 

Because, most women I talk to when they really pull the curtain back, and they get connected to their intuition, when they get connected to themselves, to what they want. They don't want to be doing half the stuff they're doing. It's a part of their role that they don't want to be doing, but they're doing it, because they think they should. There's things on the weekend that they don't really want to be doing, but they're doing it, because they think they should. 

So much of their behavior is all being driven by, ultimately, fear. And once you can learn to recognize that fear and go, “You know what?” “I'm actually going to put up a boundary here, because this is what I need right now, and it's okay for me to do that, because a boundary isn't selfish.” So, you see how all of these boundaries stack together, and when combined, you understand these five myths. Hopefully, some light bulbs are going to go off for you as to, maybe, why it's so difficult for you to set them, and hold them.

So, boundaries are not selfish, and you should not be able to do it all, and, in fact, you shouldn't even want to do it all. You need to decide what matters to you and put your time, energy and attention there. Because that's where the greatest returns are. Next up, a common fear that we hold, or a myth about boundaries, is that, “If I hold a boundary, if I say no, if I tell someone I can't do that, if I speak up, then I'm going to be seen as a B-I-T-C-H.” “I'm going to be seen as rude.” And, perhaps, you're not going to be seen as committed, particularly in a workplace context. 

For many of us, early on in our careers, we were the type of high achievers who said “yes” to everything. “Yes” to that project, “yes” to that opportunity. And that was great, because we learned so much that way, which was amazing! It's how we got a lot of our opportunities. Great! However, you are not 22 anymore. You do not need to be seen as this workhorse who does everything and anything. Right back to the previous myth about, “I should be able to do it all.” 

When you have this self-worth attached to your output, being a workhorse, or a get shit done person, when these two things are combined, then setting a boundary, saying “no” to something, feels impossible. Because, it's almost like your inner sense of self-worth, and value is then going to be challenged. Because if you're saying “no” to helping out at the “whatever-thing” at the school fete. But “If I'm not helping, who am I?” “I'm a helpful person!” “They're going to think I'm rude. They're going to think that I'm stuck up. They're going to think that I'm stuck up.” “They're going to think that I'm too good for them.”

No, maybe they're just going to think that you've got your priorities right in this instance. Because, you're probably the person that volunteers for everything, and so you are not going to be perceived as a B-I-T-C-H. And there is an art form in holding a boundary. If somebody says, “Hey, can you help drop off my kid?” “No, I'm too busy for you.” Well, yeah, you're going to be perceived as rude. 

However, if you learn to say “no” in a tactful way, if you learn to say “no” still in a direct way, I'm not suggesting you pussy-foot around the word, and sound non-committal, and really hope that they retract the offer, because you don't want to have to say, “No, none of that works.” That's you attempting to not be seen as a bitch. In fact, it just makes you waffly, and fluffy, and people don't know where they stand with you. 

So, your opportunity is to learn proper strategies and techniques that allow you to do this and, as an example, in my coaching programs we teach people five ways to say “no” with 35 scripts. So we give you real, solid information about how to do this tactfully, respectfully, in a way that you can actually tell people “no” and they respect you more for it. They almost thank you for saying no. 

So, it's a really important myth and a belief, ultimately, that you need to let go of that. Saying “no” and setting boundaries actually makes you a powerhouse. It makes you an example of someone who knows what she wants and isn't prepared to sacrifice that for others, which doesn't make you selfish. So we keep going around and around with all of these together. Now that you know you're not going to be perceived as rude. 

The next myth that is very, very pervasive, especially if you have kids, is that my family won't respect or accept my boundaries. This can particularly be the case for mums and kids, because a good mum puts a family first. For many of us, that was role modelled by our parents. Mothers have been martyrs for a very, very long time. We give up everything. Mum eats the burnt toast. Mum comes last. 

And so, if you now try to say to your kids, “No, I can't play with you”, or “No, I'm not going to read your book, because mum has to do X, Y, Z.” Or “Mum wants some peace.” They’re going to react to that, and they're going to resent you, because they're going to think you're selfish. So, these two are really closely tied together. 

Whereas in fact, if you don't hold boundaries with your family, you end up resenting them, not the other way around. They think they've got unfettered access to you. “Mum’s on the toilet.” “Sure, plait my hair.” “Mum’s over here.” “Sure, make the phone call.” “Mum’s meant to be having a girl's night out.” “Sure, you can come home and put a kid to bed.” Like, no. 

All that ends up happening is that you think you're doing it from a place of noble intention. You love your family and so you want to be there for them. However, when that results in you feeling completely depleted, like you've got nothing left, then they're not getting the best of you. So, you're far better off saying “no.” Get a lock on your toilet door, get a lock on your bedroom door, and start teaching your children boundaries. 

If you don't have boundaries with your children, if you don't role model that for them, they are never going to have boundaries in their life. Boundaries are something that we aren't taught. It's not about telling somebody how to hold boundaries. They learn by watching you. They learn by example. So, if they've never seen mum say no, if they've never seen mum say, “You guys watch that.” “I'm going over here to do my thing, or to call a friend, or I'm going for a walk.” They’re like, “What?” “What do you mean?” And one day, when your kids grow up, and have partners, or have families of their own, they're going to expect everybody around them to also be at their beck and call. 

Would you like your children's partner to feel like you do? To feel taken advantage of? To have no personal space? To have no time to be depleted? No. Because your child, as a grown-up, is not going to have the best version of them. So you need to, for the sake of your family line, for the sake of stopping history from repeating itself, you owe it to future generations to actually teach and demonstrate what good boundaries are. 

If you don't, then your child, your family, and yourself, will swim in resentment. That can become very toxic, and you end up doing what the fifth myth is. And this is what many women have. The belief, or the myth out there that boundaries are too rigid. Well, I'm not going to take calls after five, or I'm always going to pee in peace. Well, you know what this is? Simply a confusion. A language confusion. What is too rigid are these things called “walls.”

So many of us didn't have any boundaries modelled for us, and a boundary is not a fixed thing. A fence might be fixed, but a boundary is where one person ends, and another begins. That's, essentially, what a boundary is. And a boundary is also, that you are not responsible for how someone else thinks, acts, and behaves. So, this is where boundaries become so important, because they are flexible, depending on the circumstances. So, sure, ordinarily you might not take calls after six. However, your company's just announced a massive restructure and you've got three team members, who are really distraught. 

Well, maybe on this occasion, you will breach that. You will decide that, “I'm willing to flex this boundary.” But, it goes back up to me. A wall is, “I am never taking another call again” and often people smack into that. So, what has often been modelled for us is either no boundaries, where they’ve completely collapsed. And then the person feels stomped on, stomped on, stomped on, because there's no flex. They give, they give, they give, they give, and eventually, they're like, “Up goes the wall!” And that becomes impenetrable, and that keeps people out, and it can seem easier to put up walls, because then you have blanket rules.

I've worked with people who have this blanket, arbitrary rule. “I will not respond after 6:00p.m.” Like, okay, I get it, I completely get it. You want to switch off. But, maybe twice a year, there's a crisis. A real one, not a fake one, and I might need you. So, I need to know that on that once or twice a year frequency, you're going to pick up your phone. “Nope, under no circumstances “Okay, well, that's not going to work for me.” “That’s not flexible.” So, there is an onus on you as an individual to learn to “flex”, to learn to adapt to your environment. But, not collapse, and not tip into walls. 

Walls are a protective mechanism and, believe it or not, even though it might not feel that way, when you haven't learned how to hold boundaries, a boundary takes far less energy to maintain. When you have put up walls in different areas of your life, whether that's with family, with colleagues, or wherever it might be, it's a lot of work to maintain them, because you're going to find that boundary over there, you know, that wall gets a chip in the side. 

So, you have to keep repairing it. And then someone's trying to dig under it, and you've got to keep repairing it. Because, if you get one crack in that wall, you're worried that the whole thing is going to come tumbling down. However, when you have a boundary that can flex within what you have decided, these are the reasons, you can be a bit more fluid with the situation. “Sometimes it calls for this.” “Yeah, okay.” You might have boundaries about your time with family, but then maybe you have a sick kid, and maybe that boundary has to flex. 

Under those circumstances, that's okay. That's far easier to manage, and to maintain, and to conserve your energy, than collapsing and being resentful, or holding up walls, and spending a lifetime trying to maintain the darn thing. So, hopefully, now you can see perhaps, why it is really tricky for you to hold and maintain boundaries. And you are not alone. Boundaries is a topic that many, many women struggle with. It's something we're talking a lot about at the moment, because in an era of busier work, in an era of higher volumes, less resources, more to be done.

If you don't have boundaries, you will burn out faster. I mentioned we're holding this workshop on the 17th of September, and even if you are listening to this, after that date, the replay will be instantly available. So, make sure you visit the link below, if you want to come and register. We're going to be sharing how a lack of boundaries is a direct contributor to burnout, particularly for high achieving women. So, it is crucial for your future career. It is crucial for your future joy, your balance, your health, your relationships, that you will learn how to build and hold boundaries, as a core pillar of your mental health, your energy, and your ultimate wellbeing. Without it, you will burn out. 

But first, before you even learn about what boundaries are, you really need to understand why. It's so important that we bust some of these myths, that you let go of some of these beliefs that boundaries are not selfish, you do not need to be able to do it all, and a boundary does not represent failure. If you set boundaries, you will not be perceived as a bitch, or rude, and people will not think that you are not committed. That's the need to let go of your workhorse mentality. Your family, or friends, or colleagues will not resent you if you hold up a boundary. A “good mum” does not always put her family first, and you don't have to put up walls. You can learn how to flex. You can learn how not to self-sabotage, or collapse what really matters to you. 

I promise, learn these skills, really embed and embody this knowledge. Once you shift your beliefs now, any further teachings you get on boundaries, like what we're going to provide in the workshop, are actually going to land, because while these myths, these beliefs are still here, everything I teach you on boundaries you'd be like, “No, I can't, they're selfish.” No, I should do it all.” “I'm not going to say no, because what does that mean about me?” Until these beliefs go away, then nothing is going to work. 

So, I would love for you to pick the myth here that is the most alive in you, and really do some work on shifting it, moving it, and let's get you on the other side. Have a wonderful rest of your day, and I look forward to seeing you on the 17th of September at the Boundaries Blueprint Workshop.

OUTRO: Thank you for joining us today on the Balance and Beyond Podcast. We're so glad you carved out this time for yourself. If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend who might need to hear this today. And if you're feeling extra generous, leaving us a review on your podcast platform of choice would mean the world. If you’re keen to dive deeper into our world, visit us at www.balanceinstitute.com to discover more about the toolkit that has helped thousands of women avoid burnout and create a life of balance, and beyond. Thanks again for tuning in, and we'll see you next time on the Balance & Beyond Podcast.