Balance & Beyond Podcast

How is striving for perfection secretly sabotaging your success?

Join us as we unravel this mystery with the insightful Sabina on Balance and Beyond. In this heartfelt discussion, we dissect the heavy toll that perfectionism takes on ambitious women, turning a seemingly virtuous trait into a source of stress and dissatisfaction. Drawing inspiration from Brene Brown's metaphor of a "10-ton shield," Sabina sheds light on the immense pressure women endure to meet unachievable standards. Together, we uncover practical steps to recognise and dismantle these internal pressures, paving the way for enhanced focus, joy, and a sense of accomplishment.

But that's not all—our conversation doesn't stop at perfectionism. We also tackle the concept of "emotional constipation" and its impact on our ability to stay present and engaged. Sabina and I emphasise the importance of emotional hygiene, highlighting how processing all emotions, even the uncomfortable ones, can lead to healthier coping mechanisms and deeper connections. We unlock the doors to greater joy and peace by embracing the full spectrum of our feelings. Tune in for actionable insights on setting boundaries and managing emotional overload to live a more effective and fulfilling life.

Episode Transcript

INTRO: Welcome to Balance and Beyond, the podcast for ambitious women who refuse to accept burnout as the price of success. Here, we’re committed to empowering you with the tools and strategies you need to achieve true balance, where your career, relationships and health all thrive, and where you have the power to define success on your own terms. I honour the space you’ve created for yourself today, so take a breath, and let's dive right in…

Jo (Host)

On today's episode of the Balance and Beyond podcast, I'm joined by the wonderful Sabina. Hi Sabina!

Sabina (Guest)

Hello Jo, lovely to be with you again!

Jo (Host)

Yes, lovely to be here! And we are stacking on an earlier episode where we spoke about: “Is it ADHD or overwhelm?” And we've had such an overwhelming response to that episode in terms of comments! People reaching out to us, people saying, “Oh my gosh, I thought it was just me!” And we thought we wanted to dive a little deeper, onto what are some other things that are actually stealing your focus. So, without further ado, let's talk, Sabina, about what are some of the reasons that we really, as women, struggle to focus. Let's talk about the first one? 

Sabina (Guest)

Yeah, absolutely. I think the most obvious one that resonates very much with the women that we speak to, is perfectionism. You know, it’s this badge of honour that we seem to think is a badge of honour, but it's actually causing us untold problems and burdens, and it's something that we're very passionate about dismantling here at The Balance Institute, isn't it? 

Jo (Host)

Absolutely! So much so that, if you're watching this episode, in July we've actually got a two-day workshop on how to tame your perfectionist. That is breaking records with its registrations because, as you said, it's a badge of honour. But many women also know that there can be a dark side to this. I love Brene Brown's, I guess, definition, you could say, of a perfectionist. And this is where she talks about it being a “10-Ton Shield” that we hold on to, in a bid to keep ourselves safe and avoid shame. But how, Sabina, do we see perfectionism and its impact on people's ability to focus and be present in the moment? 

Sabina (Guest)

Yeah, well, what we often hear is that the high achieving women that come into our world, they have really prided themselves on these incredible standards and attention to detail, that's seen them create huge amounts of success in their careers, at home, in their lives in general. But, they've arrived at a point in their life where what used to work really well is suddenly completely backfiring, and is having the opposite effect, and is actually having them feel completely stressed, like a failure. 

It doesn't matter how much they do, or how much effort they put in or how much time they put in, it's never enough. So, what used to really serve them is actually starting to strangle the joy and sense of achievement, and ability to be able to complete anything. 

So, you know, women who used to feel like perfectionism was this great skill, they're now telling themselves, “It's never enough”, “I haven't done enough”, “I feel like a failure.” They're feeling irritable, they're feeling stressed, they can't give themselves a break. So, there is a very, very big shadow side to holding yourself to these impossible standards, and thinking that everybody expects these standards from you, right? 

Jo (Host)

Absolutely, and no wonder! If that's the internal narrative about, “It's never enough.” “It's never good enough.” “I can't make a mistake.” So much that it becomes impossible to focus on a task, or to tick it off, or to get it done, because you're constantly beating yourself up, as you do it. Which is why I know you talked about the exhaustion that is such a feature of the women who come into our world. 

Yes, there are tasks that we have to do, there are things that we have to tick off our list. But those tasks, in themselves, are usually neutral. They're not as energetically draining, or emotionally draining, as they are when you're saying, “It's not good enough.” “It's never enough!” “What happens if this isn't perfect?” “They're going to find out that I'm an imposter!” This is such a huge drain of our ability to actually, ironically, get more done. 

Sabina (Guest)

Yeah, absolutely! And you touched on something very important there, which is, “What is the meaning that you're attaching to having to complete something to this standard?” Like, what message are you telling yourself? What terrible thing is going to happen, if you don't complete it, in inverted commas, “perfectly?” And these drivers are often completely intrinsic. 

You know, there actually isn't anyone beating you with a stick to do things better, it's coming from yourself. Which can be even more confusing, and demoralising. And we see it all the time, it's like, “Oh my God, it's me!” “I'm making myself feel like this!” 

Jo (Host)

Yeah. 

Sabina (Guest)

And it's important to be able to uncover that, to give yourself a different way of showing up. 

Jo (Host)

And not only does it bring more joy, space, and peace back into your life. But, surprise, surprise, it helps you focus, it helps you get more done. And even though we think perfectionism helps us achieve more, it actually stops us achieving. 

So, what we love is when people embrace a lot of the tools that we share around perfectionism, and taming it, that, ironically, they get more done. And usually to a higher standard, without the exhaustion, and without the shame, which is just magical. 

Sabina (Guest)

Absolutely, absolutely. We have some powerful mantras, and ways of following through on that, to make it possible to relieve yourself from that pressure of being perfect. 

Jo (Host)

And, ironically, something else that also tends to go with this pressure to be perfect, is another element, you could say, or trait, or characteristic, that we often don't have enough of. And this is this magical world called “boundaries.” Sabina, how are boundaries robbing our clients and women in our world of their ability to focus? 

Sabina (Guest)

Yeah, this is another very, very common issue, that is either in their awareness, or this is news to them. But, it's very much tied in with their identities. You know, if you have an identity of being this person who is reliable, the go-to person, the trustworthy person, you know, you can rely on me to get things done. You know, boundaries, and what you're able and willing to take on, can often become very blurred. 

You know, when your sense of self-worth is somehow attached to what you can achieve, or what you can do for others, or the praise that you receive ,or the recognition, it means that your boundaries are often not where they need to be to be healthy, hygienic, and to make you feel resilient. 

So, what I mean by that, is women often are not clear. Women are often not clear about what they feel okay saying “yes” to, and what they want to say “no” to. Now, sometimes this is conscious and subconscious. But what we often hear is that there is a real discomfort, or inability, to say “no.” And this ends up with women feeling like they just have this impossible, never-ending to-do list. 

Which, again, can't be completed, which further enhances that feeling of it's never good enough. I can't tolerate what you are here, and not here to do, either at home or in the workplace. It is so important to be able to create space to show up with more energy. 

Jo (Host)

And it is funny that, as you said, the common characteristic is, and it can come from a great place, in terms of, they have a really big heart, and they consider themselves a “helpful person.” It’s this identity we spoke of. But, in saying “yes” to everyone else, sadly, the person that they're typically saying “no” the most to, is themselves. 

So, “Yes, I will bake cupcakes for the school fete.” But no, that means, “I don't have time to exercise.” Or “I can't sleep.” Or “I can't recharge myself.” And then the other people that get said “no” to, are typically their families. The ones that they, in theory, love the most, because they're too busy saying “yes” to everybody else in their lives, because they feel some kind of obligation, and they don't want to let them down, and they feel guilty, or they feel selfish. 

And it becomes this crazy, self-fulfilling cycle, as you said. This spiral of, “Well, now I can't focus on what I want to be doing, because I've got to do these things with the other people, and then I've got to do that perfectly, and it just ends up in burnout.” 

Sabina (Guest)

That's right! And, you know, it's not exactly the same driver for everyone. But, there would be some flavour of, you know, “What will people think of me, if I say no?” “Would my job be in jeopardy?” I mean, it's incredible! Some of the stories, or perceived realities that women worry will happen, if they dare to say no. “Does ‘No’ mean creating conflict?” And sometimes it just feels easier, in some way, for a certain amount of time to focus on other people's needs, than it is to actually stop, and take stock, and check in with themselves to say, “What do I actually want?” “What do I need?” And then cue the resentment, burnout, et cetera, et cetera. 

It all sounds very doom and gloom, doesn't it? But the point is, you know, we have these conversations every day with women, and we understand it so intimately. And when you're in it, sometimes, you can't see the wood for the trees. It's just, “Everything feels terrible!” “I'm so depleted and burnt out, and I just want to walk away.” And there is a way to get through it, but first you have to raise awareness and shine a light of consciousness on it, to be able to do something, and choose something different. 

Jo (Host)

And what really gets me is when I hear so many women saying, “You know, we've talked about perfectionism, and a lack of boundaries is, well, it's the job!” “I need to quit the job!” Thinking that it's something outside of themselves. Now we have to recognise there are some jobs that do have unrealistic workload expectations of people, and there are some industries that are higher stress than others. 

I'm not suggesting that all jobs are necessarily equal in this regard. However, there is so much that is actually within our control. That doesn't mean moving jobs. It doesn't mean selling up everything and moving to the country. It doesn't mean ditching a partner, or the myriad of things that people have their hands on the button that says, “Blow up my life!” We have other options. 

Sabina (Guest)

That's right! And it's, you know, often, again, the conversation is around either, “I can do well in my career, and feel fulfilled and achieve, you know, enjoy my dream career.” Or, “I can be a great mum, wife, insert whatever it is.” And, really, we're very passionate about expanding the menu of choices that are available to us, so that it doesn't have to be this black and white. 

It can feel very real when you're awake at two, or three, in the morning. But how can you expand your menu of choices, and possibilities, to be able to have more of what you want in many areas of your life, and boundaries are super, super important. And, to be able to have stronger boundaries, you have to be clear about your standards of what you want in your life, which is a whole other topic, right? 

Jo (Host)

That's a whole other podcast episode! Well, we'll go there another time. But, as you can tell, there are so many elements that sit underneath all of these. So, yes, perfectionism stops you focusing. And, yes, your boundary stops you focusing. 

But again, the good news is, these two, and even this third one that we'll share in a minute, are all within your control. You don't have to quit your job, you don't have to step back, you don't have to choose and say, “Well, I'm only going to be good at this” and “I'm going to be bad at this.” And that gives, I guess, the aim of this podcast is to ensure that people know that there's hope. That it doesn't always have to feel like you have ADHD, when perhaps you don't, and you can't focus, and you can't get stuff done. 

We want to break this cycle and, as you beautifully said Sabina, it starts with awareness. It starts with, “Oh, actually, yes!” “Oh, I do have that challenge!” And only once we've recognized that challenge, can we go ahead and fix it. 

Sabina (Guest)

Absolutely 

Jo (Host)

So, lastly then, let's talk about one of Jaclyn’s favourite terms that she's introduced here to The Balance Institute. She's one of our coaches, and one of the other big reasons that we are seeing people have an inability to focus and be present where they are. Whether that's work, or home, is this beautiful term we like to call, “emotionally constipated.” Perhaps somewhat graphic? I hope you're not eating right now. But Sabina, do you want to explain what being emotionally constipated is? And why does that impact their ability to focus? Hospital pass, off you go!

Sabina (Guest)

Good way of explaining what happens in your system, and in your energy, and in your body, in your nervous system, when you just feel so full to the brim that you're either about to blow a gasket, you know, or break down in a puddle of tears. You're so full, that you can't possibly take anything more, and you need to release the valve. 

Basically, because another thing that we hear all the time is, “I want to be more present at work.” “I want to support my direct reports.” “I want to enjoy having fun with my toddlers, they're only little for a short time.” Or “My teenager is about to leave home, and I want to have some quality time.” “But, I just can't find myself being present.” “I love them.” 

Or “I care about my team, but I just can't seem to show up in the way that I want to.” And this is often a symptom of you being so full of your own disempowering, uncomfortable feelings, and you haven't had time to process it, that you can't show up and be, you know, your best self, for other people. And we really are very passionate here about doing the mindset work and the, you know, emotional, behavioural, psychology work. 

If you like to be able to clear out the negativity, and the heaviness of what is holding you back, so that you feel lighter, and more energised, and more able to show up and be engaged in the life that you have. You know, and so part of that is allowing yourself the space, and the time, and the opportunity to be able to really connect with what's going on within you, you know, to have more. Which can be really tricky because, yeah, it's about emotional hygiene. You know, yes, it's emotional constipation, you know, it's emotional hygiene. Let's clear the pipes!

Jo (Host)

Which, ironically, is something that I certainly know. Early on in my journey, I was like, “I don't have time for feelings!” “I've got too much stuff to do!” “I don't have those things!” “Yes, I'd like a bit of joy, and I'll have some fun, and I'll have some peace!” “But, I don't really have time for that resentment that's lurking there in those eggshells, and I don't have time for frustration.” “Certainly, no shame.” “I'll own the guilt.” “I've got lots of that!” “But no, no, no, I don't want these other ones!”

But, when you work out that just like the beautiful Inside Out movie that we recently saw on the school holidays, they come as a punch! You can't just suppress some of them, and stick them in the vault, and hope that they never come back. This is about you recognizing that, “Oh, you mean, feelings are faster?” “Ironically, when I recognize these feelings, when can I learn to process them and not be so terrified of having them?” 

You mentioned this, you know, being a puddle, or flipping a lid. The analogy I love is that everyone is so backed up, that it's like there's a giant damn wall. And there's this terror, I wouldn't even just say fear, a terror that someone was to poke a little hole in it. And the whole thing's going to come crashing down, and decades of suppressed emotions are going to come out, 

Sabina (Guest)

And it will never stop! It will never stop, once it comes out! It's never going to stop and “I don't have time” and “I don't know what to do with it!” So, it's best to just keep on stuffing it down.

Jo (Host)

Stuffing it down, and then, “Oh, look at that, scrolling at three in the morning, emotionally eating in the evening.” Whether it's Netflix on the couch, or then constantly trying to run away from our feelings, which is exhausting, hoping that they'll never catch up with us. “I know, I don't want to feel that thing, let me go and do some more washing.” Like, seriously, and we can't be available for other things. 

Sabina (Guest)

That's right! And, ironically, the truth is, the extent to which you are willing and able to create space to feel uncomfortable emotions, and to process them, directly impacts your ability to feel joy, laughter, peace, all the beautiful things that we want to feel more of. You can't have one without the other. So, if you're living in this blocked up, festering … 

Jo (Host)

Cesspool! 

Sabina (Guest)

Drain. You know, you can't lean into experiencing the expansiveness. So, one goes with the other, and so there is real power and importance in being able to clear things out, so you feel fresh and more able to show up really, truly. 

Jo (Host)

And I would say that, you know, of all the things that people say they want the most, joy is always at the top of that list. “I want to feel more joy.” “I don't want that joy to be tinged with, yes, I did this thing, but I didn't do those three things.” Or, “Yes, I've got this moment with my kids, but now I've got to get dinner.” It's impossible to actually sit in that fun, or that moment, and create those memories, and create that sense of connection with your kids when there's always an asterisk on what you're feeling. 

So, that's a really important reminder, Sabina, that your capacity to hold joy is equal to your capacity to hold disappointment or shame. And we've put labels on emotions. This is a good one. I'll have more joy, but I won't have more frustration, or I won't have more of this, when in reality they're all just chemical signatures in our brains, aren't they? 

Sabina (Guest)

Yeah, that's it. Just chemical signatures in our brains, aren't they? Yeah, that's it. And the fear and resistance we can put so much energy into fearing them, and resisting them, that actually could be directed elsewhere, if you just allow yourself to have a healthier relationship to processing your emotions. 

Jo (Host)

Some pretty amazing stuff that happens on the other side of that happens on the other side of that and, most importantly, this is what gets you back your focus. This is because focus is really just being present where you are. It's an ability to concentrate on a task, or an interaction, or a conversation without your mind drifting elsewhere. 

But, when you've got these trifecta, which we don't necessarily want you to have, when you've got these perfectionistic tendencies that have become a tyrant, and it's completely out of control. When you've got no boundaries, and you're porous, and like a sieve, and you don't know where you begin, and where somebody else ends. And then, you don't have any tools in your toolkit, or any capacity, or even any awareness of how to process what's going on inside you. Is it any wonder that overwhelm and attention challenges become so common? 

Sabina (Guest)

Absolutely! You're not broken. You're not broken. If any of this resonates with you, it's absolutely possible to systematically look at this and dismantle it, to feel better on the other side of it. It's just, we haven't. We don't have enough conversations, and tools, and strategies, to be able to make it happen. But, it is possible. 

Jo (Host)

Absolutely. And this is what we love doing here. It is giving you practical tools, and strategies, to dismantle the perfectionist. And we want to keep elements of it that work for you. There is a big shadow to all of these elements. But, there are some good sides. You want to keep your huge heart, and your love of helping people. But, imagine what can happen when we put that, and have you help yourself, as much as you help other people. And, likewise, when you can start opening up to more joy, opening up to more fun, and connection, and playfulness and laughter. Well then, the world becomes a better place, not just for you, but for everybody else in your life too. 

Sabina (Guest)

Absolutely. 

Jo (Host)

Yeah, yeah. Well, thank you for joining me today, Sabina. A beautiful reminder of what is stealing your focus and, importantly, how we can get that presence and that attention back.

OUTRO: Thank you for joining us today on the Balance and Beyond Podcast. We're so glad you carved out this time for yourself. If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend who might need to hear this today. And if you're feeling extra generous, leaving us a review on your podcast platform of choice would mean the world. If you’re keen to dive deeper into our world, visit us at www.balanceinstitute.com to discover more about the toolkit that has helped thousands of women avoid burnout and create a life of balance, and beyond. Thanks again for tuning in, and we'll see you next time on the Balance & Beyond Podcast.