Balance & Beyond Podcast

What if the very independence you're prided yourself on is sabotaging your happiness and success?

Join us as we unravel the intricate web of fierce independence, especially among women, and its often hidden consequences. Drawing from personal experiences and real-life client stories, we examine how the "I can do it myself" mindset, while empowering, can lead to increased stress, resentment, and professional limitations. In this episode, we delve into five key impacts of this mindset, from reluctance to ask for help to the challenges in managing everything alone, and advocate for a more balanced approach that retains the benefits of independence without falling into the traps of isolation and overburden.

In our exploration, we also tackle the detrimental effects of toxic independence, where individuals reject assistance and attempt to shoulder all responsibilities alone. Discover the importance of delegation, understanding personal limits, and the empowering act of asking for help. We'll discuss how emotional armour can lead to loneliness and disconnected relationships, despite being surrounded by others. By lowering these defences and fostering genuine connections, you can embrace the transformative power of interdependence and step into your own zone of genius for a richer, more fulfilling life. 

Tune in and learn actionable strategies to overcome the toxic side of independence and enrich your personal and professional relationships.

If you’re ready to finally ask for help from us, knowing how well you’ll be supported to get to the root of this behaviour, book your free discovery session at balanceinstitute.com/book

Episode Transcript

INTRO: Welcome to Balance and Beyond, the podcast for ambitious women who refuse to accept burnout as the price of success. Here, we’re committed to empowering you with the tools and strategies you need to achieve true balance, where your career, relationships and health all thrive, and where you have the power to define success on your own terms. I honour the space you’ve created for yourself today, so take a breath, and let's dive right in…

“I can do it myself.” If that was one of the first sentences in your vocabulary as a child, guilty right here, then you are likely a fiercely independent woman. You pride yourself on doing it yourself. However, today, I'm going to be sharing with you some of the downsides, what I'm calling “The curse of fierce independence.” While you may think it is serving you, there are actually some significant costs that are having a greater impact than you realise. 

I prided myself on being independent, and growing up as an only child, I almost didn't have a choice. There were times that I was left to my own devices. My parents weren't exactly sitting-down-and-playing-with-Barbies type of people, so I was on my own a lot. And that has fostered this beautiful sense of, “Well, there's no one around to do it for me.” “I'm going to do it myself.” And this mantra is something that I see in so many clients I work with. 

It's served us really, really well. We go and figure things out for ourselves, we put our head down, we find a way to make it work and we develop this beautiful, in some ways, sense of individuality and independence. And I even remember saying to my mum as a teenager I don't even need a man to have a baby anymore when IVF started coming out. 

So, we've got this entire generation of women who have been brought up to be independent, to not rely on anyone for anything, and to do it all ourselves. But, in many cases, what I'm starting to see is that this fierce independence that we've held up as a mantle, as a badge of honour, is actually becoming toxic, and it's having a broad range of ramifications, that until I started zeroing in on it, I didn't realise how much they're actually damaging us. 

Now, I'm not suggesting that you're going to swing the other way, and turn into a codependent puddle on the floor who can't do anything herself. The damsel in distress does not really look good on anyone. I'm going to share with you five impacts that being fiercely independent is having on you, and there's a pretty good chance that all five, if not a lot of these, are going to be relevant to you. Now, before you freak out and go oh my gosh, I've got to put it all down. It's not the case. 

I'm not saying we don't keep the good parts of being independent. I'm saying that it's time for us to recognise and find a better balance between being fiercely independent, doing everything ourselves, and what perhaps might be a more balanced way of living. So, first and foremost, one of the biggest things when we are fiercely independent is, no surprise, we don't like asking for help. This also means that we often refuse help when it is offered. 

Now, this not asking for help comes in a variety of ways. It might be not wanting help at home, it might be not wanting help at home, because we have decided that, in being fiercely independent, asking for help makes us weak. Asking for help means we've done something wrong, because we're meant to do it all ourselves, and so when we don't ask for help, no surprise, it all falls on our shoulders. We then get resentful of everybody else because they won't help. 

Meanwhile, you've taught them not to help. You've brushed them off so many times that why on earth would they offer any more? Because every time you either rebuff their offer of help or if you take it, then you overcompensate in other areas, and so it's never this even exchange. Meanwhile you're probably someone who offers help a lot and then again this is other people maybe are taking it and you get resentful because you start counting like, bang, I helped them and then they won't help me. “Oh, but hang on, if they help me, I'm weak.” And we get in this absolute crazy cycle and spin, where this has  a flow on effect. 

So, not asking for help in a work context brings us to the “Curse Part Two”, and it will put a ceiling on how far you can go at work, because there's only so much one person can do. If you want to have an impact, you're going to need to enrol other people in that. You're going to need help, you're going to need support, you're going to need collaboration, you're going to need to buy-in. 

And so, when we won't ask for help, that often translates in a work context to we won't delegate, we won't pass things on to others. And interestingly, I've had a few people lately say to me Jo, I don't seem to have a problem delegating, but I have a problem asking for help, and this often just comes down to the definitions that we make. So, delegating for many people is a conscious choice. “Okay, this isn't my role.” “I'm going to put that over there.” 

Whereas, when you're somebody who is toxically independent, and have a “Do it all yourself” mentality, and won't ask for help, what can happen is that because you don't ask for help, and you get resentful. It all banks up, you wait until the last minute, and then it becomes a firefight, and then you are literally becoming the damsel in distress who needs rescuing. Because, “Oh my God, I can't do it, and now I need help.” And people are looking at you going. “Hang on a second, where's your prioritisation here?” This was due yesterday, and this actually matters. “What have you been doing?” Well, you've been doing everything else yourself. 

So, it's really important to understand, what is your definition of delegation, versus asking for help at work? They are versions of the same thing. One, many people just perceive it is within their control, and it is empowering, and the other one is considered weak. But this is just semantics. What actually matters here, is that you understand what is in your wheelhouse. What you're meant to be doing, versus what somebody else can be doing. 

Whether you call that delegating, whether you call that fostering independence in others, whether you call that delegating, whether you call that fostering independence in others, whether you call that asking for help, asking for support, semantics. What matters is that if you want to progress, you need to learn how to not do it all yourself. This is what “Get shit done” people are. 

Their identity is based around how much they can do, and usually it's around how much they can do by themselves, without the input of others. Because, they want to do the impossible. They want to do it faster than, and better than, anyone else. All that leads to is a bottomless pit of burnout that never, ever ends. As you won't ask for help, you want to do it all yourself. You won't delegate, but then, perhaps you become the damsel in distress. 

We also put up a lot of walls around us, and asking for help is part of being vulnerable, and we have perceived that asking for help means there's something wrong with us, because we should better do it all ourselves. Hello, shame, guilt, suffering, resentment. And we've now made it mean that asking for help is weak. But, because we live in a world where we are required to interact with other humans, we often become the “damsel in distress.” 

You can see how there's a very easy association with oh, asking for help is weak because it is last minute and I shouldn't be asking for this help and I shouldn't be needing to do this. Yeah, because if you've not managed your time well and haven't understood what you are and aren't capable of and decided that the amount of work you can do actually should be the work of three people, because that's how much you can get done, well, of course, that may come off as weak. 

We have to completely flip this on its head, because, when you think asking for help is weak, what you do is you armour up. And it's really, really heavy. So, you put up walls, you put up armour. It's like, “No, no, I can do it, I can do it.” I remember my mum trying to tie my shoelaces up. We were running late somewhere, and I'm like, “No, no, I can do it.” And there was this anger and determination in me. Which, again, is good to a point. 

But, imagine that's you, the four-year-old version of you, who's frustrated, trying to tie up their shoelaces or, you know, do a button up, and everyone's looking at you going, “Oh, come on like it's fine.” “No, I can do it myself.” There's so much identity and self-worth made round up in that. And then, as you put up these walls, as you put on this armour, you've now decided that what you don't realise is this armour, and the walls that you put up are actually going elsewhere in your life. 

So, this third curse is, it makes you distant from everyone. People can't actually connect to you, because you will not let them see you as weak. You will not let them see you be vulnerable, and this is where perfectionism weaves in so beautifully. “All right, well, I'm going to do it myself, and to prove, to double down, on the fact that I'm not weak.” “I'm going to do it perfectly.” All of these, particularly for women, are very, very heavily interwoven. 

So, as you put up these walls, you end up putting a lot of distance between you and everybody else in your world. Is it no surprise that this Curse Number Four, is that so many women who are in my world, are lonely. They're in search of connection. I had a great quote recently where someone said, “I have a thousand friends online, but no one to feed my cat.” Where is that connection that you are actually longing for? 

We can often put, then, all of that desire for connection on our partner, and that's a lot of burden for one person to hold. And we expect, then, that they have to be our everything. But, of course, you won't ask them for help either, usually. So, the walls actually go up at home, and then we get resentful, because they won't help, even though we've told them that that's not the case. 

So, this curse of loneliness that is afflicting so many women who, ironically, are never alone. So everyone says to me, “Oh well, I'm not lonely, I'm never alone.” So, yeah, you can be incredibly lonely in a very crowded room. You can be chronically lonely in a room, and a very, very busy life where you, in theory, have no space. 

But that loneliness is not really from other people, because you're surrounded by other people. It's that loneliness of actually bringing the walls down and letting people see the real you, because that's what that loneliness is like. “Nobody sees me.” Yeah, they see the “armoured up” version of you, who is fiercely independent, who can do it herself, who looks like she's crushing life. Who's the president of the PNC? Who's baking cupcakes? Who's the netball coach? Who's this? Who's that? Who's doing all the things? 

They see the armour, and then you get upset when they don't see that perhaps you're on the inside. All is not well. And this was very much my life, before I blew it all up. I looked like I had it all. Everyone's like, “Oh my gosh, you're doing so well!” I'm like, “So, what's wrong with me?” “Why do I feel so lonely?” “Why do I feel like no one understands me?” “Why do I feel like no one ever sees me?” But, my armour was so well entrenched that it was impossible for anybody to really see through it. It took a very special person to be able to pierce through that, and push it all aside and go, “Oh well.” 

“Hello, you.” “You are in there, and you are prepared to be vulnerable.” But, you've made that mean weakness. So, you can see what a challenge this has been for women. And, my goodness, this is costing us so much. It's costing us impact, because we won't ask for help. We keep everything so small. It's stopping our progression at work. We won't delegate, we won't empower others.

Life is really, really heavy when you're carrying armour, when you've decided that to ask for help, or to be vulnerable is weak, and you have to do everything yourself. This deep sense of loneliness is chronic, and it makes you question, “What's it all for?” “I've got no one to share this with.” “No one sees me.” “Nobody appreciates me.” This is why, often, so many women may be given compliments, but they can't actually receive them, because it's almost like they're bouncing off the armour. 

And this Fifth Curse that I'm going to share with you was one, when I heard it, it really cut to my core. I was like, “Oh, this really, really hurts.” If you are not prepared to ask for help and want to be truly self-sufficient, what this means is that you are building a life that is so small that only you can handle it. I'm going to say that again. If you will not ask for help and you are fiercely independent, bordering on toxically independent, you will create a life that has a cap on how big it can be, on how big your dreams can be, on what could be possible for you, because it can only ever be done by one person, because you will not accept help. 

And, when I heard that, my whole insides just went, “Oh, I have not been someone who's been afraid to ask for help over the last few years.” But even still, that made me stop and go, “Whoa, okay, where am I putting a lid on my potential?” “Where am I not stepping into my true possibility?” Because, if you want a big life, it's bigger than just one person. It requires support from others. It's almost akin to saying, “Well, I'm going to build an island, but only I can operate all the machinery, and everything on the island, because I can do it myself.” 

So, you imagine, your island can only be so big. There's only so much possibility that one person can handle it all. Meanwhile, that person's probably exhausted, burnt out, and resentful. But, if you now ask for help, well, your island can get a lot bigger. You get to work in your zone of genius. You get to be doing the things you want in your life, building the skill sets that you love, that are really you, and you're not spending all your time doing things, whether it's tasks, or projects, or skill sets, or areas of your life that don't light you up. 

So this, ironically, is the path to fulfilment. We've been told a lie that if we hold on to everything ourselves, we'll control it all. It's fine. It's all, then, within our control, and so we don't have to worry about being disappointed, or we don't have to worry about making any mistakes, because it's all within our control. And so, we don't have to worry about being disappointed. Or, we don't have to worry about making any mistakes, because it's all within our control. 

Yeah, but, is that joyful? Is that where fulfilment lies? And the answer is always, “No.” We are tribal creatures. We are meant to be building bigger islands. We are meant to be operating in our zone of genius. The human species is actually built to live in tribes of between 150 and 200 people. And anthropologists believe that that number is specific for a reason. Anything above that, and it starts to get too big, and gnarly, and political, and you will find that, if you look throughout history, tribes have got bigger than around that 200, and they tend to then splinter off into these disagreements. or these politics. 

And this is often true for corporations. Often, you think about a business unit. And once it gets, or a company, once it gets above 200, it starts getting a little hard to handle. But, within that 150 to 200, you get to be really good at something. You get to be the best singer, or the best hunter, or the best person, at putting out fires. I'm talking about caveman days here. You get to be the best at something, and you only have to do the bits that you enjoy and that you're good at. Whereas, if you go and live in the savannah as a caveman by yourself, you are not going to survive for very long.

And yet somehow, despite all of this imprinting and upbringing and biology, we now assume that we can live in a society that is, in theory, more connected than ever, despite the fact that it's more disconnected than ever, and we can do it all ourselves. It is absolute madness. So, I'm hoping that you have got a really good understanding, and I encourage you to reflect on where in life are. Are you stepping into some of these curses, and what is the opportunity for you to ask for more help? 

Now, there's a pretty good chance you're there going, “Oh my gosh, Jo, I'm doing all of this.” “I'm putting a cap on my life.” “I'm actually quite lonely.” I don't ask for help, and the way to remedy it is, first and foremost, you have to recognize that it has served you. We all danced along to Destiny's Child's song from Charlie's Angels, about being an independent woman and “I can buy my own cars” and “I can have my own babies” and “I don't need a man to do anything.” “I don't need anyone to do anything.” Yes, it has served us. It's got us a lot of what we have in life. 

However, you also have to recognize and be honest about, “What has this cost you?” “What sense of fulfilment, of enjoyment, of connection, is it costing you?” And the good part is that this is actually relatively easy to turn around, once you do the one thing that you are too afraid of doing. This involves putting up your hand and saying, “You know what?” “The costs are now too great, I am too lonely, I am too burnt out, I am too resentful.” “I want to build a bigger island.” “I don't want to do this alone.” So, you will have to overcome your greatest fear, in order to change. 

But how humans are wired, is that at some point in time, the fear of staying the same actually becomes greater than the fear of change. Only then, will you move. So, if you're sitting here going, “Oh, you know, it's fine, it's fine.” “I can get some more Facebook friends.” Or “I know I can do it myself, I don't agree with you, Jo.” I'm absolutely fiercely independent. I say, “Good luck” to you. Come back to me in a couple of years, when perhaps the loneliness gets too much. 

But, if you are sitting here, and the fear of disconnection, the fear of a small life, the fear of the ongoing resentment and burnout, then I encourage you to reach out and ask for help. You can simply start small. Maybe it's asking a friend, “Can you pick up my child from school today, because I need a break?” Or is it asking a child to empty the dishwasher, because you need some help? What does that look like for you? Of course, you can always start small, but if you want big, drastic change, then I encourage you to reach out to somebody who can really help you get to the root of what is stopping you asking for help. “What is the impact of this?” 

Of course, this is exactly what we do here. So, I encourage you to book a discovery session with myself or my team if you want to find out. “Okay, Jo, I'm embarrassed to do this.” “I feel ashamed to do this.” “This goes against every part of my being.” “I don't want to ask for help, but it's costing me too much now, and it's time for me to live a bigger life.” 

So, if that's you, we'll put the link below in the show notes if you want to take a look, and get on the phone, and find out. It's time to tap into the possibilities of a bigger life, the possibilities of you stepping into your power, because that's what happens when you learn to leverage others, you learn to live in your zone of genius. 

It is not a sign of weakness to ask for help. It's actually a sign of courage. It's a sign of strength. But, you need to reframe that, so that you can step into the best version of you. So, you have a wonderful rest of your day! Thanks, as always for listening and, when you're ready, reach out for help. Let's stop this curse of fierce independence, one woman at a time. 

OUTRO: Thank you for joining us today on the Balance and Beyond Podcast. We're so glad you carved out this time for yourself. If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend who might need to hear this today. And if you're feeling extra generous, leaving us a review on your podcast platform of choice would mean the world. If you’re keen to dive deeper into our world, visit us at www.balanceinstitute.com to discover more about the toolkit that has helped thousands of women avoid burnout and create a life of balance, and beyond. Thanks again for tuning in, and we'll see you next time on the Balance & Beyond Podcast.