Balance & Beyond Podcast

Have you ever caught yourself in the mirror of comparison, where everyone else's life seems to shimmer brighter than your own?

This episode peels back the curtain on that all-too-familiar stage where we play our harshest critics, comparing our blooper reels to everyone else's highlight reels. We dive into the heart of why we measure ourselves against others and how this can chip away at our happiness and sense of self-worth. With a focus on the subconscious patterns that keep us locked in this cycle, we uncover the societal and media influences that often fan these flames of self-doubt. It's a frank discussion about the traps we fall into and the steps we can take to step out of the shadows of comparison and into our own light. 

Together, we explore the transformation that awaits when we shift our mindset and concentrate on our own achievements and intrinsic value. Acknowledging our self-comparison tendencies is the first step, followed by actively uprooting the deep-seated belief that we're not enough. As we dissect the areas in our lives that are most vulnerable to self-criticism, we pave the path toward self-acceptance and the end of self-sabotage. This episode is an empowering call to action for anyone ready to break free from the cycle of comparison, embrace their unique journey, and find joy and fulfilment from within. Join us as we navigate the ups and downs of this process and share the tools you need to reclaim your power and your peace.

Episode Transcript

INTRO: Welcome to Balance and Beyond, the podcast for ambitious women who refuse to accept burnout as the price of success. Here, we’re committed to empowering you with the tools and strategies you need to achieve true balance, where your career, relationships and health all thrive, and where you have the power to define success on your own terms. I honour the space you’ve created for yourself today, so take a breath, and let's dive right in…

There's a famous quote that says, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” And today, I want to share with you more about this insidious behaviour. That is so prevalent amongst women, and it is robbing you of so much contentment, and fulfilment, and happiness. And, it's only by understanding more about what you're actually doing to yourself, can we stop the craziness, and actually take back more of what we want in life. 

When I talk about comparison, this is something that many women instantly go, “Oh yeah, I do that all the time.” And, when we talk about comparing ourselves to others, we are talking about comparing our physicality, how we look, our intelligence, our financial status, our houses, the state of our kitchens, how we parent, how we partner, how we articulate ourselves. There are a million, and one ways we have found to torture ourselves in time. 

The interesting thing about comparing ourselves is it's pretty rare that you will look at Sophie sitting across the table from you and go. You know what my hair is looking better than Sophie's today? Typically, any comparison we do is 99% in the negative, which is fascinating because all this ends up doing is reinforcing all the rubbish that we believe about ourselves. So, what is actually happening, when you are comparing yourself to other people? 

All you're doing is finding more and more evidence of what I call your limiting beliefs, or weeds in your garden, because every comparison ultimately comes down to reinforcing the fact that you're not good enough. Maybe it's that you don't have enough style, and therefore, you're not as confident as you'd like to be. Well, no surprise that very quickly ends up being pure evidence that you're not. “You don't look the part.” “You don't dress the part.” “You can't speak as well as somebody else.” “You're not as intelligent as somebody else.” “You shouldn't be at that table, all right?” “Well, I'll be quiet, I won't speak up, I won't realise my potential, I'll get grumpy and resentful.” 

And then, here is this crazy cycle of our behaviour becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, where we're not doing something because we're comparing ourselves to someone else, but that comparison actually keeps us stuck going around and around in this circle. Isn't this nuts? And we are doing it to ourselves. 

Of course, there is a media element at play here. It is very fortuitous and it's very good business for us to always want to look like somebody else. There is a bajillion dollar fashion, beauty, home improvement industry all based on keeping up with the Joneses and all based on us thinking that what we have isn't good enough and therefore we better buy the thing which is going to close the gap, which is going to make us feel better. 

So, we can see through all the marketing, we can see through all the advertising, but at some point, as women, we have to start saying, “All right, enough is enough.” I'm now going to take accountability for this crazy behaviour that I'm spending so much of my life engaging in, and all this behaviour I'm engaging in, is making me feel like crap.” It's making you feel rubbish. So, why do it? 

Well, the thing is, our brains, and particularly our subconscious minds, are very. They take, let's call them, “A very good servant.” They take really, really good orders. When we talk about your subconscious mind, this is around 95% of how our mind actually works, and this is the part that, no surprise, it's called subconscious, which means below your awareness. It's your subconscious mind that keeps your heart beating and digests your food and keeps all your organs going. 

But, your subconscious mind is also where your habits sit and all your beliefs sit, and it's a shortcut because your brain doesn't want to have to process everything through your prefrontal cortex. Your brain actually burns a huge amount of calories, so your brain says right, remember when you first learned to drive and my hands at 10 and two and look over and foot and mirror, it was really, really hard. 

I used to turn up somewhere I'd driven, when I was learning, and I was covered in sweat, and my heart was racing, because it was so scary, and it was such a high cognitive load. Pretty sure that maybe you're even listening to this right now while driving, and probably forgot you were driving. It's because your subconscious is now driving. But, when we engage in a life of comparison, what we're actually telling our subconscious to do is to, “Find me all the ways that I am less than so-and-so”, or “Less than society, or less than what I should be.” And your brain, like any good servant, goes “Okay, you want me to find evidence of this?” “I can do that.” If you've had children, you will have had a very, very good example of this. 

I remember when I first started thinking about becoming pregnant. I saw pregnant people everywhere. I remember turning to my husband and going, “Is it just me?” “Why are there pregnant women everywhere?” All of a sudden, he's gone, “No, they're everywhere.” 

Well, they were always there. It was more that my subconscious passed over it, and I didn't need to draw it to my conscious mind’s attention, because I wasn't interested in pregnant people at the time. So, glaze over it. It's like the only time I ever pay attention to cars is when I'm in the market for a new one. 

For a period of a couple of weeks I choose the car I need and then I stop looking at cars for the next, I don't know seven, 10 years, because it is of no interest to me. And yet I have other friends who'll be driving along. They go oh my gosh, look at that 1974. 

And because their subconscious mind knows that they want these things pointed out to them. So you have trained your subconscious, your deep mind, to show you all the ways you're crap. Show me how I'm not as articulate as I should be. Compare me against so-and-so, whether that's a person, whether that's an idea of them or other people. So, we usually often don't even compare ourselves to one particular individual, but we'll compare ourselves to a projected image of a group or what we think things should be. This is particularly the case when we talk about being a mother. 

Well, society says that a mother should want to play with their children. Society says, “A mother should like to bake with her children.” Society says society says, well, society-shmiety. This is absolutely bonkers. We've got to stop doing this. And of course, we need society to change. But there has to come a point in time where we take responsibility for retraining our brains to start focusing on what we are doing. Well, simply knowing that your brain is, by default, comparing you and, in particular, thinking about is there a particular area of your life that you'll find in comparison is more alive. 

So I know for me, I've been very competitive my whole life and a lot of that was fuelled by my grandmother who very innocently used to pair me up next to my cousin and put us back to back. Who's taller? Who got in the better netball team? What marks did you get for maths? Who got in the better netball team? What marks did you get for maths? And while that was her way of connecting and wanting to ask, the only way she knew how to connect was to compare me to Amy, and so we ended up in this almost rivalry. I think she'd probably say she gave up, but she's not as competitive as I am. 

But, that was like fuel for my soul. I was like, “Oh, how can I prove myself?” But, like many other women, what set that off as a chain of events, spurred on by my grandmother and then, probably inadvertently, supported by my parents, and then supported by society and supported by my teachers, was this constant looking outside of me for a benchmark of where I was. 

I never knew if I was intelligent, because I was never as intelligent as Lee. I never knew if I was thin enough, because I was never thin compared to so-and-so. And so when we spend our lives looking outside, well, we don't know where we stand and we lose track of that inner voice and that inner guidance system that is so lacking in so many women. No surprise, when we look outside of ourselves, we continue to move the goalposts. So this happens with wealth. 

I know when I had always wanted to build a house and I built my house and I was like, yes, this is going to make me happy, this is the thing I've always wanted to build a house. I got into my house and then started comparing my new house to other people who had built new houses and other people who'd chosen different colour schemes or different styles. 

“Oh my God, this is crazy.” “This is the thing I've always wanted, and I can't even stop to enjoy it, because I'm always comparing it now to somebody else, even though I said this was the thing I wanted.” “When I get this thing, I'm going to stop comparing myself.” Well, no, I enjoyed it for a tiny bit and then I move the goalposts, and went “Well, now you've got the house.” “Now you've got to pay it off.” “Now you've got to build an investment portfolio.” “Now you've got to … “ 

So, the moment I'd achieved a lifelong dream, I dismissed it, and went, “Meh, tick, next.” This is not a way to live. It is not a way to find fulfilment. It is not a way to live. It is not a way to find joy, because you can never enjoy what you have, because it will always be compared to somebody else. One of the other crazy things that we do to ourselves is we spend a lot of time also comparing ourselves against the version of who we thought we should be by now. 

I know that sounds like a bit of a mouthful, but it might be that you know. Some beautiful examples that have come up in our client community lately have been somebody saying that they grew up with a backyard and they grew up in the country and they had all this land and they had a pool and that were their childhood memories and so in their mind they should have a big yard and they should be giving their children a pool because it's what they had. 

So the version of them today is comparing themselves against a six to seven-year-old perception of what that six to seven-year-old thought a 40-something year old should have. Isn't that nuts? And you know what? The six and seven-year-old version of you that loves the pool and loves the big space didn't have to mow it or take care of it. Maybe your parents hated it. 

And very often the memories that you're having when you're comparing your current life to maybe the life you thought you should have or the life that you're having when you're comparing your current life to maybe the life you thought you should have, or the life that you could have, or whatever words you want to put in there, is based on rose coloured glasses. And, what we've identified recently with some clients is that, you know, the memories that they had was once a month they had a bonfire in their backyard with all their extended friends and family and neighbours once a month. 

They had a bonfire in their backyard with all their extended friends and family and neighbours Once a month and because they had the big yard, it was at their place and so they have taken one evening a month and who knows, if they went back and thought about it, it might not even have been once a month. 

They've taken, I don't know, three to six hours of obviously wonderful memories, and good times, and fun, and extrapolated out, and made that mean that because of that beautiful memory where they probably felt loved, and connected, and it was fun, and it was joyous. Well, it was the big backyard that made that happen, and therefore, I need to give this, for my children to feel loved, and connected, and have joy ,and maybe there's something about freedom there. 

Well, we have to have the big backyard, but the six and seven-year-old who loved that evening didn't have to shop for it, clean up for it, mow the lawn for it, get the house prepped for it. You know what it's like when you have a lot of people coming over. It's a lot of work. It's a pretty good chance. Yes, their parents might have loved the opportunity, but they may also have been like, oh my God, they're coming over this weekend, but of course, the six and seven-year-old doesn't see that. 

So we have to put down the comparison with the outside world and the person that we think we should be, or as articulate as we should be, or the qualifications that we should have, as well as the comparison of where we thought we'd be by now, where we thought that we would live this way. Or the younger version of you thought that you'd be wealthier by now, or be more successful by now, or be further up the ladder by now. 

Isn't it nuts? We are beating ourselves up constantly, we are sabotaging our behaviour constantly, and we are doing this all to ourselves. It is nuts. I know I'm saying this a lot. I'm really hoping you are getting the message that we have to stop doing this. This is nobody else's fault. Nobody else is forcing us to compare ourselves, especially now as grownups. 

Okay, yes, society is constantly fuelling this belief, but you have to be bigger than advertising. You have to take care of your brain and start teaching your brain that it's time to look for where you're doing well. It's time for you to start celebrating a good hair day, or that you look good today. If your appearance is something that you always compare yourself to others with, maybe you can go into that meeting and go wow, I was really articulate today, instead of comparing yourself against the other person, or who you think that is. 

Because, again, that is simply your brain's way of finding consistent evidence that you are not good enough. The only way that we're able to change this, first and foremost, is we have to bring awareness to the fact that you are comparing yourself constantly to other people other things, expectations, conditioning, you name it and after listening to this episode, there might be a chance that, now that your brain has been activated, you're going to go oh my gosh. I just compared myself to them and I looked at their shoes and went, oh my God, my shoes aren't as nice. And I looked at their house and went, oh, their house is nicer than mine. 

I've had some people who I have shared this content with typically in more of my client containers because you're getting a special sneak peek today with typically in more of my client containers, because you're getting a special sneak peek today and they've realised that they compare themselves in every single facet of their life, and the areas of life that we typically are the most savage in the comparison, or the most grandiose or the most negative. 

We perceive the greatest gap are typically the places in our lives that we feel the most miserable, and the most unhappy. So, this is an opportunity for you to reflect on, “Where are you savagely comparing yourself?” “Where are you ruthless in beating yourself up, in sabotaging yourself?” And, now you should make a declaration that, “It's time to stop the nonsense.” It's time to stop this crazy self-sabotage behaviour and, once and for all, learn, with the right support, and the right tools, how to kick this out of your brain, how to retrain it. 

And, instead, how to get the part of your brain, your subconscious mind, often called your reticular activated system, your RAS, focused on what you've done. Well, because, sitting behind all of this, the work that you have to do is on feeling good enough and there is no shortcut to that process, which is why I have a 12-week program that takes people through exactly how to do this. 

You have to understand how to build your beliefs that you are good enough, or you are smart enough, or you deserve that seat at the table, or you have something valuable to say, or that you have permission to speak up, or that you have permission to inhibit your body. You have permission to give your body what it needs, whatever that means for you, depending on where in life you are going crazy.

Permission to not clean the house because you're comparing it to some random person's place that you went into three years ago that you thought looked perfect, and now you think your house has to look exactly the same way. It is all based on belief systems, and it is all based on belief systems that, ultimately, are a version of you are not enough. Once we can rip out those weeds that are in your garden and plant new beliefs that you are good enough, that you are smart enough, that your house is tidy enough, that your worth is not reflected in your kitchen bench well then everything starts to shift inch. Well then everything starts to shift. 

And I have spent so much time working on this because comparison was very much my thief of joy and, as with you, I'm sure, comparison in the negative stakes, because my cousin was very, very thin genetically. That's just how she came out. I was always the fat one, and so I spent my life thinking that I was fat and big and large, even though now I can still fit into my year 12 formal dress. I'm still the same size, I haven't changed. 

But there's been so much work I've had to do on not comparing myself to not only other women and how I think I should be, but also this bizarre belief I have about. When I get to a certain whether you call it weight or size or shape, then I'll be happy, because that is the biggest lie that we tell ourselves. When I have X in the bank, I'll be happy. When my house looks like so-and-so's, I'll be happy. When I've got this job title, then I'll be happy Because I promise you you can go out and get all of those things and while you're still comparing yourself and looking outside for that permission to be happy, it will never, ever arrive. 

So my challenge to you today is to reflect on where you are the most savage, where are you comparing yourself and how can you put that down? How can you stop? How can you start really giving yourself the grace to believe that you're good enough to really own and honour all the parts of you that make you unique, make you an individual. Learn to let that other stuff go, and we step into your power, to step into the glory that is you. 

That is abundance, that is joy, that is fun and fulfilment, because the more you can do that, the better life gets. So happy comparing, un-comparing, I should say Happy. Un-comparing, actually, is a better word. I'm going to make a new one up. Have a magical un-comparing day and I'll see you next time. 

OUTRO: Thank you for joining us today on the Balance and Beyond Podcast. We're so glad you carved out this time for yourself. If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend who might need to hear this today. And if you're feeling extra generous, leaving us a review on your podcast platform of choice would mean the world. If you’re keen to dive deeper into our world, visit us at www.balanceinstitute.com to discover more about the toolkit that has helped thousands of women avoid burnout and create a life of balance, and beyond. Thanks again for tuning in, and we'll see you next time on the Balance & Beyond Podcast.