Balance & Beyond Podcast

Have you ever felt the sting of self-criticism after failing to meet your own harsh discipline standards?

Together with Jaclyn, we unravel a more compassionate approach to achieving your ambitions, one that replaces the rigidness of discipline with the nurturing power of devotion. Uncover a transformative way to pursue your goals that doesn't just allow for joy and sustainability, but actively encourages it. We dissect the traditional narrative that champions a forceful, often masculine, paradigm of success and introduce you to a gentler, yet equally potent, alternative. No matter the realm—be it athletics, personal growth, or any sphere where excellence is sought—this episode will guide you toward a path of thriving without the harsh lash of self-critique.

Step into the world of cyclical productivity, where we honour the feminine influence on how we work, rest, and achieve. Jaclyn and I delve into the importance of aligning with the natural rhythms of our bodies and how this can enhance our effectiveness, balance, and overall well-being. We challenge societal norms that pressure us to put others first at the expense of our own needs, highlighting instead the significance of personal devotion and self-care. By integrating both masculine and feminine energies, this episode offers insight into crafting a life filled with greater ease, joy, and alignment with what matters most to you. Let's embark on a journey of self-discovery where devotion, not discipline, is the guiding star.

Episode Transcript

INTRO: Welcome to Balance and Beyond, the podcast for ambitious women who refuse to accept burnout as the price of success. Here, we’re committed to empowering you with the tools and strategies you need to achieve true balance, where your career, relationships and health all thrive, and where you have the power to define success on your own terms. I honour the space you’ve created for yourself today, so take a breath, and let's dive right in…

Jo (Host)

On today's episode, we are talking about a one word switch that can change everything about how you reach your goals, about how you meet your habits, about whether or not you get out and do that walk that you think you're going to do. And today I'm joined by Jaclyn. Hi Jaclyn!

Jaclyn (Guest)

Hi, happy to be here.

Jo (Host) 

So, Jaclyn, there's a word that we often hear a lot in our circles, around when you've got to go out, and meet your goals, you've got to be. What's the word that often people talk about in this? You know, we drill sergeant language. We've got to be committed. What's that word?

Jaclyn (Guest)

Discipline. I need more discipline. I should be more disciplined. Yeah, that's what it usually sounds like. 

Jo (Host) 

Yeah, a whole lot of words that we bash around and bash ourselves up with, don't we? We say I'm not disciplined enough, I can't get out for a walk, I'm not disciplined at my habits, or I'm not disciplined at taking care of myself. And when we're using the word discipline, what lens, Jaclyn, would you say, is that coming from? 

Jaclyn (Guest)

It's coming from what I would say is a more egoic perspective, meaning a place of trying to prove something or achieve something, which isn't necessarily bad in and of itself. However, it can be a fine line. Yeah, it could be a fine line. We can start tipping into more forcefulness and like striving and pushing really easily when we get into that territory. 

Jo (Host) 

Yeah, and that's where I know early on in my personal development journey. I still love those. I don't have to call influences or YouTube videos about come on, wake up in the morning. And this is about commitment. You need to be more disciplined and it's a very almost masculine paradigm, isn't it About pushing? It's about knuckling. It's about ignoring the pain and just going harder. It can be easy to get caught up in that kind of yeah, I mean for the sake of conversation. 

Jaclyn (Guest)

I think there's even some merit to it. There can be merit to it where we tend to stop ourselves. I think what that's aiming towards, that whole conversation is aiming to look at your potential like what is possible. But that's a more empowering way to view it and, like I said, it's a fine line or a slippery slope you could say, between oh, I'm so excited to see what I'm capable of, I'm so excited to see what my potential is. 

But that in and of itself has this desire attached to it versus like "shoulding" or like I'm not enough. It's just excitement about potential. But I don't think that that's usually where people remain when they, when they're in that conversation. That is more masculine. I think that ends up being more about proving something like that. Proving that you're enough or yeah, just goes away from the excitement and the desire of something about potential. 

Jo (Host) 

It very quickly goes to that should, doesn't it? I'm not disciplined enough. I should do more of this, which really we know is from a place of shame and guilt, which is not a place that we can actually take action from. 

Jaclyn (Guest)

Exactly. Yeah, I mean we try to and it feels awful, and then we beat ourselves up for not being able to like if I beat myself up enough that I should be able to execute, I should be able to go for a walk. I'm being mean enough to myself, so like, why aren't I doing it? But that's, that's right, it's right inside of what that behaviour is, of course you're not doing it. When you're beating yourself up, your body is not going to respond really well to that. 

Jo (Host) 

No, and so we talk about a different word. What is a different word that we can replace that, ideally, is still tapping into that potentiality, it's tapping into that empowering nature of it, but it's a softer word. Don't think that softer means weaker, but it's a gentler word. What's that word, Jaclyn? Talk to me about what you feel. How could this be a better replacement? 

Jaclyn (Guest)

Yeah, devotion. There's another word. I like it because it starts at the "D" right? So, replace "discipline" with "devotion." And I think devotion is just a lot more holistic. Like you said, it's gentler. So it's like an invitation into something that feels really compelling, something that you want to devote your time and energy and resources to, because that thing is so compelling and it feels so good to put energy towards it. 

So it could be about potential. It could even be exploring your relationship with pain, if it's like an athletic thing or preparing for childbirth. That's something I've looked at. So it's like what am I so devoted to that I'm willing to go into this place of discomfort or, you know, growing pains, being an athlete or preparing for whatever this thing is mentally or physically. I've been preparing for that I need. In the past I've said I need discipline for, but now I'm going to use the word devotion. Yeah, I think it just changes the whole way you approach engaging with that goal. 

Jo (Host) 

Absolutely, because when you're devoted to something, it's almost as if you could almost consider it a spiritual word. You know, people have devotions in terms of you, don't you know, you're not disciplined to do your prayers. If that's something that is part of your world, it is devotion. It's almost like a deeper inner layer of calling, of dedication to a thing. 

But what I love about that word is it doesn't have to be so hard and it doesn't have to be so pushy, which makes it much more interesting. We often say that the word devotion to is a bit more of a, let's say, feminine energetic construct. You want to expand on that when we talk about masculine and feminine energy, we're not talking about males and females, we're not talking about gender here. We're talking about energetics. 

Jaclyn (Guest)

Yeah, the energetics of going towards a goal from a feminine perspective or a masculine perspective, and they're both valid. But for women, who tend to have more predominant female energy, feminine energy, I'll say it can feel better to honour our body as being a cyclical being. So, literally, our bodies operate in a seasonal manner.

If you look at our menstrual cycle, right, or even if you're a paramedic apostle like, there's like a hormonal cycle, there's fluctuations, there's a spiralling, cyclical nature that we have as women, and although men might have that, it's not as obvious or intense, I'll say so, for men it's a little more linear, and so the like. 

A masculine approach doesn't take into consideration how you might be feeling and where you are in your cycle as a woman, right? So so, honouring that there's a season for everything, there's a time to go hard, there's a time to go slower, and sometimes slowing down is a way that we can speed up, whereas a more masculine approach is just about the trajectory is just up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up up. There's no allowing for these fluctuations. So, yeah, as women, that's important. 

Jo (Host) 

Yeah, yeah, and that's something that we see so often with our clients is that we've often grown up in this masculine paradigm where it is about external results, it is about success, it is about the external perception of discipline and me doing whatever I think I should be doing in order to get to my goal.

But, what I have certainly found is, when I've shifted my perspective and decided what am I going to be devoted to, that the achievement of goals ironically happens faster and it happens easier and it happens with far less pushing, which is ironic because the old masculine part of me be like but I can't go weak on my goals. I have to be disciplined if I don't get up every single day and do it this way. 

But that's what we see, isn't it? Amazing shifts when we're able to incorporate more of this balanced perspective. It's not just about the drive, it's also not about collapsing into the feminine and going well, I'm going to devote myself to sitting on the couch and drinking my wine.

That's not what we're saying here. We're not saying that you go live on an island and decide to be yours then and we're a flower garland. We're saying actually, no, what is the right balance? And if you start off with language, which is so incredibly powerful, then you can get big shifts everywhere else, can't you? 

Jaclyn (Guest)

Exactly, yeah, I love that saying slow down to speed up and I think that feminine cyclical nature honours that versus one pace and only goes faster and harder. 

Jo (Host) 

Yeah, which is tricky because our society is built on this paradigm about faster and harder and more and more titles, more money, more success, more stuff and even my personal journey and so many women that come to us is often the more stuff you have, the less happier if that's a word the unhappier you are and this feeling that something's missing and that becomes that devotion to self and devotion to what matters to you. 

Jaclyn (Guest)

Exactly so. That's the other piece around. Devotion is that it asks you what's important to you. What do you actually want right now? What is important about this goal? You might even discover that the goal isn't even important after all.

Jo (Host) 

Or, it's not even yours. 

Jaclyn (Guest)

It's not even your goal. You're going after something that someone else wanted you to do or that would make someone else happy, which is not actually true for you. So devotion asks you more holistic questions, like what's important to you. It also takes into account your human needs in a more holistic way, like we talk about that in the programming, these things that we need that satiate us as human beings, versus at all costs. Who cares? If you want to or not, you must, you should. That usually comes along with discipline. 

Jo (Host) 

Yeah, absolutely. What would you say to somebody who we often get people coming into our world who say to us Joe, I'm so far under water, I don't know what I want. I wouldn't even know where to begin in terms of devoting myself to something. Where would they begin? What would that journey look like? 

Jaclyn (Guest)

Well, we often talk about starting small, like the simple things, like allowing yourself to take that walk in the middle of your work day that you usually don't give yourself permission for, because you know that it is.

First of all, it gives you fresh air, literally right. And then breath is a tremendously powerful way for us to clear and reset in the midst of our day. So breathing is really powerful. Being in nature is often really grounding and inspiring and uplifting. So such a simple, simple, free thing is one way that you can check in with your body. What do I want right now? What do I need right now? 

And giving yourself permission, and that's a way to slow down, to speed up, you might say, well, I can't afford to take that 15 minute walk. And I'm asking, well, can you afford not to? Because what's the consequence of not giving yourself that 15 minute break? And again, there's going to be a part of you that's going to say, no, I can't, because I have to get X, Y, Z, done. 

And I'm saying you can still get that done because you're going to be more efficient when you come back and you're balanced and connected and your brain's working clearer versus getting foggy because you're pushing, or you might see that you're not going to finish it that day and maybe you have some new standards to set and boundaries to set at work, where you're being expected to produce like a machine or a robot and you're not one, so you don't have to try to pretend to be one either anymore. 

Jo (Host) 

Yeah, and I guess, underneath all of that, that's almost that devotion to self that is often where people come back to, because we've taught not to be selfish, we're taught to look after everybody else and put everybody else's needs before our own, and only once everybody else is fed, watered, clean, tidy, then we can look after ourselves. So that's what this switch becomes, isn't it? It's a devotion to putting ourselves first and a devotion to understanding, going on that journey to understand what our needs actually are. 

Jaclyn (Guest)

That's exactly it. That's everything we do. 

Jo (Host) 

But it is interesting how hard that can be, for so many people are actually declaring that they're going to devote themselves to themselves. That almost goes counterintuitive to everything they've been taught, doesn't it? 

Jaclyn (Guest)

Mm-hmm, yep, where we're taught to make other people happy, do what you're told. Do the right thing, which means what someone else thinks is the right thing, even if it's not the right thing for you, just constantly overriding our natural wisdom and our natural desires, like they're not valuable or worth honouring or listening to or acting upon, which is kind of a tragedy. 

But we can undo that, we can undo the years of conditioning and I feel optimistic that, starting with women who decide to stop playing by the rules as they've been given, that we start questioning the paradigm that's been handed to us, which is not just a masculine but it's a toxic masculine one, meaning that there's actually beauty to masculine trajectories and perspectives, but when those are imbalanced, that's what we're really handed. 

So, we're handed a really imbalanced masculine template, so that, yeah, it doesn't really feel good. So we're just questioning all that so we can start to see what's the balance I do want between masculine and feminine in my life. What's the balance I want between you could say discipline and devotion, or devotion that's infused with discipline, or discipline that's infused with devotion, either. Or, yeah, starting to play with it so it actually feels good and true for you. 

Jo (Host) 

And that's where the joy comes back right. When you can play with these, you get them imbalanced and you don't just get the overwhelm and the anxiety and the stress and all of those emotions that come when we're very focused on things outside of ourselves. So, as we spend more time in that masculine paradigm, if they are your dominant emotional states, that's a hint of that's where you're living.

Whereas, in this more feminine paradigm, when you can be devoted to yourself, and you can put yourself first. That's when you start finding more of that joy and that peace and the calm that are the things, ironically, everybody comes to us for, and says I don't have any time to look after myself, I need to be more disciplined. So it's ironic that we find ourselves back here again going around in circles. 

Jaclyn (Guest)

Yes, yep, you don't need more discipline, you just need more devotion to you. 

Jo (Host) 

Yeah, absolutely, and so that is our invitation to you today is to ask yourself what do you want to be devoted to? How do you make sure that you get yourself back in your life? And perhaps it's time to explore a different way to operate. I love to be devoted, infused with some discipline.

Let's do it off the couch. Let's still achieve our goals, but let's do them in a way that is aligned with who we are, that is very much aligned with how we want to show up in the world, and then we get them faster and they're more enjoyable and life becomes much easier. I guess we have to live with much greater ease. 

Jaclyn (Guest)

That's right. 

Jo (Host) 

Amen to that. All right, my friend. Thank you for joining us. Jacqueline, here's to more devotion. My friends, We'll see you soon. 

Jaclyn (Guest)

Thanks.

OUTRO: Thank you for joining us today on the Balance and Beyond Podcast. We're so glad you carved out this time for yourself. If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend who might need to hear this today. And if you're feeling extra generous, leaving us a review on your podcast platform of choice would mean the world. If you’re keen to dive deeper into our world, visit us at www.balanceinstitute.com to discover more about the toolkit that has helped thousands of women avoid burnout and create a life of balance, and beyond. Thanks again for tuning in, and we'll see you next time on the Balance & Beyond Podcast.